My Random Thoughs

I'm fucking broken...

I hate life, simple as that... No not really... one minute I am happy and over come with joy the next minute I want to die, I wish things were easier, I wish my family didn't make things hard on me, instead I want them to do everything in their power to make it easier on me, but I guess it doesn't work like that... I am afraid of pushing the one person away who actually loves me, I am afraid of pushing my friends away, so what do I do to make sure they don't leave? I fucking push them away, which is stupid because I shouldn't because I love them so god damn much but I am afraid they'll use me, manipulate me, then leave. All this stress bottles up until it feels like I am suffocating, my chest gets tight and I can't help but cry and cry. I yell at people for no reason, I feel like it's my fault all the time, I am paranoid that people hate me or despise me. I can't fake a smile anymore, it's hard, I try, but it hurts, it also hurts to frown because I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be this way. I want to smile like I used to, I want to laugh like I used to, I wish everything was easier on me, but I have to make everything 10 times harder for myself, which I drown in my own fears, tears, and insanity. I just want to be okay, but will I ever be okay? Will that day of happiness come? Will I have hope again? Will my suffering end? I don't know but I know one thing, all my life I thought I was okay, I thought I could smile, in the end I just found out that my whole life has been a dream, a lie that mislead me to be happy, like I said before I'm fucking broken...