Let's Go Deep

Changing Times!?

They call me Amma now. But I want to talk of a time when I was still young, young like the girl sitting in front of me, the time when I was energetic, full of joy and innocence. This little girl is 25 years old, but she is still not married. How easy for girls it is, these days, that they don't want to marry anyone and simply struggling about it. But our times were different. We were never given a choice. We just followed orders and faced everything which left an unforgettable blemish on my soul.

Those were the times when I was not allowed to speak up my thoughts. My marriage was fixed to a guy who was mature and 5 years elder to me. But I was very young. I was studying. I was hardly 21 years old, about to be 22 years old in a couple of months. But hardly matters, a few months in life, when your whole life was about to change.

This guy met me through a common relative in Mumbai since I was studying in Mumbai, away from my hometown in Kerala. We hardly had any channels of communication with our parents. During those times, we used to write letters to our parents. Communication happened. Our marriage was fixed. When things happened with all the rituals and without my will, even then I was blamed for having a love marriage and fixing it all up with my parents to hide the concept of love marriage.

Six months after the engagement with the guy, the marriage was fixed. Those six months were considered precious enough for me to learn more about my would-be husband. But as I mentioned, there were no channels of communication, so those 6 months were not enough perhaps.

The guy I met after a couple of months, turned very lean with weakness. But after a couple of years, he started recovering. That was not the catch. Life had tougher plans for me perhaps, which broke me from within.

It was just a month after my marriage, and I was pregnant with my elder daughter. I was not ready. I was not ready to be a mother. I was a new addition to the family. This guy was new to me. How can I be naked in front of the person I just started knowing. For him, I really cried in front of him to not do anything at the time. His parents also mentioned this to him. But he never listened.

He appeared as an animal to me! Yes, you heard it right. He was an animal who was attacking my body. Above all, he made me pregnant at the age of 22. I was not ready, mentally as well as physically. I needed time. Nobody listened to me. I cried and cried for months. I was pregnant with another daughter after 3 years of my first pregnancy. Things happened so fast and so violently that I could never understand what is required out of me. What is real happiness?

But talking to this young girl who just shared her insecurities about being with another man, reminded me of everything. I just wanted to hug and ask her to run, run away from all the people out there. This world is so cruel. I wanted to support her for what she wants in her life. I wanted to love her as my own daughter. I wanted to protect her. She is just so fragile like I was. But I am happy that she is a rebel and unlike me, she is fighting for her thoughts, opinions, and rights.

I wish I would have taken certain steps in my own life at the right time, my life would have been different and happier, and at least, 

I wouldn't have just passed the time, but lived my life.

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Times never change. We change. We change with the choices we make in our lives. Do you own the responsibilities of the choices you have made or are making in your lives?

Write to me about your thoughts at: 

goel.nancy13[at]gmail[dot]com