𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.. 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝

entry
4:57 AM
july 3, 2019

the future, when you have no plans yet, it makes you wonder what your life would be at the end. will it be prosperous? will it end early? will it be dark? will it be hopeless? will it have happy moments?

the future? it is so unpredictable that i'm scared of it.

i don't know any thing that could help me survive this generation's world. i don't know the basics of living a life.

i don't know what to do when i grow up, when i go into university, what course will i take? do i really want this?

lately, a lot of people are always thinking about this one thing every time they make a decision, happiness.

they always try to consider it as much as possible, if you choose to be a chef, you'd think about your happiness, if you want to be a model, you'd think about your happiness.

we always try to be happy.

nevertheless, some don't get what they hope for.

a person got a job as a flight attendant, when she really wanted to be a dancer, she isn't happy at all. but she tends to fake her happiness for the flow of a good life she wants.

everyone has something.

things are hard to get by in this world right now and we have to be aware for that.

all of us would be looking out on the world someday, thinking, "why didn't i do it?"

why didn't i do it?

we'd regret that.

we would always think about a topic deeply by the time it flashes by our eyes and left our life. that's how sad it is.

not everyone has a happy ending of course. we know that.

i think somehow, my life is vague the moment i was born. i've never felt productive in my existence.

i still wonder why i exist though.

during school, i force myself to learn everything, each subject i have, i force my mind to be the best.

i force myself, just to be the best.

i have no idea too.

i have no idea why i do that. besides despising myself, i don't know.

the world was created for something just as we beings were. but, i still wonder what the reason would be, we beings are killing this planet.

don't we?

we can't deny that. right now, everything is fading. the planet we have is dying because of us.

it changed us as we evolved. considering this, the future isn't bright in my opinion.

it isn't bright anymore, the light's fading just as our authenticity is.

i brought myself to think of my choices in the past, i beat myself mentally that i have to do good.

i have to.

somehow, maybe, i'd be something in this life. that's what i'd place as my mindset.

i have hobbies, but if i do it as my job. i don't know if i'll really like it. i have multiple decisions for me to decide for life.

and that scares me.

my future is coming and i don't know a single idea of what it would turn out.

my parents don't force me about it.

but i do.

i thought, if i became a lawyer, a doctor, will i be okay? will i be stable?

we have to face it, we need money.

i thought about that.

will i be happy?

do you know what i want?

i want to be free from these. i want to escape the pressures of living as one with the society.

i just want to be a traveller but i'm not sure if i want to be a vlogger or an online personality. i'm really not sure.

i just want to be happy until i die.

that's how i've been thinking. i space out and i badly don't want to go to school. i never liked my school.

it just showed me education that challenges me, but then i'd forget what it is about.

the school i attend pressures my intelligence and mindset and i am scared.

what if it gets to me?

what if it takes a toll on me?

i wouldn't know what to do by then.

all aspects are part of my future and ours as well. it scares me because it highly would turn into a nightmare i wouldn't get out of.

i'm afraid of losing.

i'm afraid of losing to life.

if i lose, i lose, gone and forgotten. which is somehow a good thing.

but as a coward, i'm scared of it too.

many people right now have lost hope and light in their eyes.

and i want to say that hopefully, just hopefully, a miracle would save you all.

if i could, i'd give everyone the happiness and color that they deserve in their lives.

only if i could..

life gets back at me from time to time, showing me how the world works. at some point, life became a friend.

it conveys me what everything is little by little. the life i have, it's vague because my mind is too.

as well as the fear living inside me, it makes me conscious of anything and everything that appears before me.

the future i have is nothing. i can make it something but it would take a lot of effort.

i'm not sure about that.

i'm afraid of it.

but we try. will life take my hand and bring me to reality?

hopefully, i'll end to be in a peaceful place.

i'm still waiting for the miracle.

while i'm trying.

while i'm living.

while i'm scared.

entry end.