019; real life

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Since their decision to move in together, Thea has been thinking a lot on the question of whether or not she trusts Awsten to not hurt her like he did before.  A part of her wants to never take the chance, to take the safe route and just say no to trusting him or anyone else, but more of her is aching to just admit that she does trust him.

Trust is odd in that way.  No matter how much you'd like to, you can't really stop yourself from trusting someone.  You can force yourself to ignore it, retreat into loneliness and throw up a thousand walls to keep yourself safe because, despite how miserable it may feel, loneliness is the only true form of safety.  The trust is there but you can push it down and hide it from the world but in the end, no matter how much you ignore it and fight it and try to destroy it, it's there hiding safely behind the walls you put up to protect yourself that ironically keep the unwanted feeling safe and sound right by your side, all while the person who earned the trust is left on the other side of those walls wondering where they went wrong.

The other option is, admittedly, a little more dangerous, more terrifying but, if handled correctly on both sides, absolutely exhilarating.  To love someone and trust them entirely is a magical thing, equal parts risky and rewarding as you delve into experiences unknown by those who have yet to have the privilege of experiencing the feeling themselves.  It's a leap of faith, jumping right out of a plane with no parachute and trusting the other person to make sure you somehow land safely, or maybe never land at all.  It's your heart racing when you see them, butterflies erupting in your stomach only at the thought of them, little fireworks bursting along your skin blissfully at the feel of their touch, a million unexplainable things tearing through you in the most unexpectedly, inexplicably beautiful way.  It's unimaginable, a feeling you'd go to every edge of the universe to chase.

But it's terrifying because the world is so much duller when you lose it.  When you can find someone capable of setting you aflame but never once letting you burn, it seems impossible to continue on after that.  It seems impossible to recover from a break in trust and a loss of love with someone who can pull you in in ways that, even as you experience them, are unbelievable.  It seems impossible to carry on after you find freedom in experiencing so many new emotions with another person and then that person breaks you apart in the end.

Thea knows what it's like to be broken by someone, and she now knows what it's like to be right on the edge of being broken and then have the very same person who put her there mend the trust and earn back a place in her heart that never could have gone to anyone else.  She now knows what it's like for a broken trust to be put back together.

And she's terrified of admitting that the trust is mended, not because she thinks he'll break it again.  If she thought that, the trust would still be broken.  No, her fears lie in Awsten's trust in the world.  He was hurt in too many ways, left scarred and with old aches never fully going away.  Thea is scared he's convinced himself he's ready when he's not and going in will hurt him.  She doesn't like that risk, the thought of him being hurt.  But she trusts him, and if he says he's ready, she should trust that too.

Really, all she has to do is ask him.


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