When I got home, the first thing I did was let my children distract themselves to try and let them forget about today's event. But a mind of a 6 year old is meant to remember. It is meant to learn and become clever.
I cannot speak lies anymore. I cannot hide the truth from them knowing that one day they'll come up to me and ask who that man was. And what will I say then? What should I say...?
Do I regret letting them live? No. I don't. A life is a life and it is theirs to live. Regardless the reason of their making. I just couldn't even if I wanted to. They wouldn't let me. And eventually, I just decided to keep them anyways.
Because I am their mother. No matter what. I am responsible as well.
And so is he. He is as equally responsible as I am. He is their father. But, I wouldn't want that man to be near them. I don't want them to fear.
I stare at my own reflection in the mirror as my eyes search for the truth.
Wondering if I should tell them my history or just a small part of it, I hear a knock on the door.
"Mommy," Yun walks in while holding Kari's hand tightly in his.
"Yes sweetie," I turn around and kneel in front of them. My hands caress their cheeks as I look in their eyes.
"He was scary," Kari mutters as she holds onto her brother's sleeve.
"But he looked like Yun," she whispered sudenly.
Yun nods at his sister's words and he then looks into my eyes.
"Who was he, mommy," he asks doubting the choice of his words.
"I'll tell you another day when you're old enough to understand."
But at what age is a child supposed to know about the truth? At what age can a mother tell her children about abuse?
When are they old enough to know and hear about it?
If you tell them too early, the child might fear and doubt everyone. And if you tell them too late they might end up hating you as well for lying even if it was for their own good.
But now I am left to wonder if a chance is what that man deserves.
I already gave him so many and he never made up for his first mistake. And only now he comes after me after hearing he has two children of his own. Who knows what he is capable of? Who knows...
Jun sits on the swing as he slowly swings back and forth replaying the scenes in his mind over and over again.
"Two children," he scoffs to himself, " I have two children of my own."
Unable to believe he tries to get hold of his own mind, "how could she hide that from me? How could she-" he cuts off his own thoughts and stops the swing. "How could I treat her like that? How could I..."
And he calls his good friend that notified him about this. "Wonwoo, I want to set things right. Please help me."
But to be able to fix his mistakes he needs to be given the chance to do so.
I hold my children close against me as they are fast asleep in my arms.
I close my eyes and let my thoughts wander through my mind and memories. And for some reason they return to him. I remember his smile the spark in his eyes that turned dull after years.
And now suddenly he wants me back. Desperately.
Slowly working on it. So I can't really tell how long it will continue.