ᵉᵖᶦˢᵒᵈᵉ 26

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the following chapter will take place inside the thoughts of kim namjoon

After having a deep conversation with Jeongguk, I realized a few things about myself that I didn't really expect.

Seokjin means a lot to me.

He's not just anyone. He's a really good friend to me. He makes me feel good all the time. I don't know how he does it, but he makes me feel okay with being bi-sexual.

In the beginning, I was always scared to tell people. Always afraid of what everyone else would think. I myself didn't know many bi-sexual boys. Only a few girls here and there.

But soon, I started to grow accustomed to my sexuality. It was something I was still wary about but I was getting better at expressing myself. Especially when I'd started sleeping around. But even so, my paranoia took over and I slept around with mainly girls, spitting on the guys I slept with, forcing myself to be disgusted.

And, to be honest, after warming up to Seokjin, I wanted to do the same. Play with him and then force myself to be disgusted afterwards. And I tried.

After kissing him, seeing the tears in his eyes meant way more than the other boys'. He wasn't crying because I insulted him with words, but because I did with actions. He didn't cry because I told him he was a useless piece of junk that deserved to be thrown away, he cried because I kissed him.

I kind of should've known that he liked me. But I don't even know if he does now. He's got a boyfriend.

But it seemed so different with me. He never told me about Minho. And judging from the first time I met Taehyung and about what had happened, Minho was a bad person.

I don't know why I felt a pang in my chest when Seokjin told me he has a boyfriend. I don't know why I felt a burning sensation in my stomach. I don't know why every time he mentioned his boyfriend, I wanted to avoid the conversation. I don't know why I didn't like hearing about his boyfriend.

I don't wanna lose Seokjin. I feel as though he'd drift away from me now that his boyfriend is around. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose someone like him.

I enjoy texting him.

I enjoy his company.

I enjoy his stories.

I enjoy his laugh.

I enjoy his jokes.

I love being around him. I love the way he smiles. I love the way he can never fail to make someone laugh. I love the way he treats me, as if I'm someone much better than myself. I love the way he acts. I love the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel so much better about myself and I want to keep him right by my side.

One thing I also realized about myself is that I like Kim Seokjin.


5 more days left until I have to move ☹️💔

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