Exhaustion

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I'm tired of screwing things up. I am. My whole life that's all I've ever done. But as I grew older my mistakes became worse and worse until we get to today. It's at a point where all I think about sometimes is "what am I gonna screw up next?"

Yeah, I've sunk that low. I think I can officially say I'm broken at this point. I'm either numb or feeling like utter crap and I'm constantly worried that I'll drive away the few friends I have left. In fact, I almost drove away a really close friend of mine because of my negativity. I almost screwed another thing up.

A part of me wants to leave so nobody has to deal with my shit anymore, but the other part of me can't bear the thought of being away from certain people (selfish I know). I just feel like an unbelievably shitty person. Emotionally it's so bad I'm at the point of sweating because everything is shit at this point. I'm throwing negativity at people who only wanna help (ex. The person reading this that may or may not comment something nice is such a person exists) and I've been a pain the the ass for my dad who only wants me to become a decent human being.

Anyways, I want to talk to people but at the same time I don't want to burden them with my problems. I don't want them to worry about trash like me. I admit it. I'm utter trash. I'm so weak I can't even fight for myself anymore. I give other people advice that I can't even follow. I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy nor the will to keep going. Whenever it seems like things are okay, something comes up and I'm back to square one again. My brain constantly forces me to remember things that bring me down, such as my own grandmother telling me that I'll never play basketball because I'm not tall enough, or causing someone very important to me to leave, or making a close friend remember something and almost driving said person away.

I'm...a mess. I'm antisocial, I have a bad temper sometimes, I argue with my dad, I drive people away, sometimes I don't even think before I say something which results in me hurting people, I'm lazy, and I can never think positively about myself.

There's my mini toxic 409 word rant that will probably go unread but I really don't care...I just couldn't bottle it up anymore.

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