content warning: references to non-consensual sex
mama always said the reason things never worked out between papa and her was because he wasn't the real deal. he wasn't really black or really muslim or really around. he was a fraud. good riddance to bad rubbish, she'd said.
she was a liar, of course. about why things couldn't work out between the pair; not on my father being a fraud. that he most definitely was: with his west indies/slave master surname, and having converted to "islam" -- rather than being born into it -- like better, realer, blacker men before him.
(in other words, papa was passive, things happened to him, not aggressive, he did not do things, -- not like all the men that came after him).
papa was a cliche, and my mama hated that about him but that wasn't why they split up.
the two of them split because mama lost her mind and papa lost the will to stay with her -- walked out one day and landed his ass in prison, while my mother remained planted in a corner of our manchester "home" and spiraled out of control like a weed left undisturbed.
it was only when otto and i broke up i realised which of my parents i was more like. before i'd been convinced i was nothing like my mum because she let the men she was with to treat her like shit and found the monstrous beliefs of muslim-folk appealing -- even when they were strangling her against her wardrobe door and got some sort of sadistic pleasure by fucking her in the arse while she could barely breathe.
but unlike my papa i was never able leave a situation alone and somehow i'd thought i was better than him because of that. when otto dumped me i didn't look for a flat elsewhere like a normal person, instead, i decided to room with him and the boy he cheated on me with.
my worst nightmare had come true. in the end was never like my father -- i was my mother's daughter all along. my psychotic, batshit crazy mother who let her boyfriends assault her and had less self-respect than a broken teaspoon.
fuck.
-
meh.
Dedicated to dontcallmytherapist
this is me not giving up. Sorry this chapter took so long.
