Miss Perfect and The Bad Boy

twenty four - letting go

"He's awake!" That was the first thing I heard the doctor yell. My heart stopped.

"What happened?" Kelani called out.

The nurse turned around and talked to someone in the room for a few moments. She turned back around with a smile. "Looks like your friend is awake."

I almost collapsed onto the floor with relief. It felt like the whole world was lifted off my shoulders.

Alex was alive.

Alex

I waited for almost 3 hours as doctors came and went to perform tests on me. My mom and her husband had come running into the hospital right after they realized I was conscious again, and they wouldn't leave my side.

What a great way to meet my stepdad, huh? Lying half dead in a hospital bed with breathing tubes down your throat and twelve IV's piercing into your skin.

When my mom finally walked out, she didn't close the door behind her. I heard Nikki outside the door. Her beautiful voice that I missed so much. But the last thing I wanted right now was to see her.

"What's happening?" I heard her ask, voice shaky.

My mom spoke. "He's awake and in control of what he's doing. They said he might have some brain damage but we have to wait and see. The doctors want to keep him here for a few more days, and then send him to rehab. Maybe even a psychiatric center after that."

Psychiatric center. A fancy word for a mental hospital, where they think that talking it out and art therapy or some bullshit like that will solve all my problems.

"Can we see him?" Nikki asked. Please no.

"I don't think he wants any visitors right now, but I'm sure he'll be happy to see you." Wrong. She was the last person I wanted to see. I couldn't deal with how sad she'd be. I did that to her.

I took a deep breath and turned to the window so I wouldn't have to look at her.

"Hi," she said as I heard a door click. Her voice sounded thick and heavy.

I couldn't resist looking at her but I quickly looked down. "Hi." My voice was barely audible, even in the quiet room.

She took a seat at the chair next to my bed. "What happened, Alex?"

I shrugged, looking away. Please leave me forever so next time I do this, I can finally die peacefully, I thought.

She desperately grabbed my hand. It had tubes sticking out of it at all angles, but she didn't care. "Don't give me that. I thought you were getting better. You said you were getting better."

I shrugged again, still not looking at her. My hand was limp in hers.

I could hear her sniffle. She was barely keeping it together. I did that to her.

"I don't know what to do, Alex. Please talk to me," she whispered.

A million responses went through my head. I could apologize, explain everything, talk to her, but none of that seemed like a good idea. "I don't know what to say," I finally spoke. My voice came out raspy and quiet.

"Tell me what happened," she pleaded. "You were getting better."

I slowly shook his head, thinking back over the last few months. "I was never getting better. I thought if I lied to myself and said I was, it'd come true. It's never going to get better."

She choked out a sob. "Yes, it is. I can help you. I need you to be here."

I shook my head again. "I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be dead. My mom thinks it's all her fault because she wasn't here. I put you through way too much pain. I put Aiden through so much.  Kelani is upset seeing all of you so sad. Emma saw me and burst into tears because she's scared of me now. My mom's husband doesn't know what to do because I made his family feel so broken. Everyone's so miserable and it's all because of me."

She stared at me as tears leaked through. "We were sad and scared because we thought we lost you. You're alive, still. That's all that matters. We can go through this together."

I felt her hot tears on my hand. I just wanted to hug her and never let go and tell her it'd be okay. I wanted to promise her that I'd stay with her and keep her safe. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't promise something that would never come true. I'd already broken a promise like that to her.

My voice came out weak. "Who are we kidding? You're going to Princeton in 4 months. You're going to meet some super smart, super rich guy. You'll get married, pop out a few kids, and live a perfect life. I'm going to be six feet under." I saw tears running down her face nonstop. I'm sure I was crying too, but I didn't care. "I'm supposed to be dead, Nikki. I can't even manage to kill myself correctly."

She shook her head. "No. No. No. You're supposed to be here with me. I can't do this without you. I don't want anyone else but you. I want to live my life with you."

"I need you to leave. Please. Move on. There's no point in you waiting around for me. I'm just going to keep putting you through pain over and over again."

I've never felt more heartbroken than I did at that moment. Nikki was weeping onto my bed. Her hair was stuck to her face and messed up. Tears were streaming down her face and sobs were escaping her throat.

And she still looked like the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

I managed to find my voice. "If you love me, Nikki, you'll leave. If you ever loved me at all. This is what I want, okay? It can't be any other way. I'm sorry."

I heard her scream as I pulled out the IV tubes from my skin and ripped away the oxygen tubes. The last thing I heard before it went black was her sobbing. "Stop! Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I need you."

I always thought of Nikki as perfect. Everything in her life seemed like it was meant to be there. Placed there by god himself.

Until now. She was broken.

I broke her.