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I sat alone in my soccer uniform, on the cold bench. I watched silently as my team scrimmaged and fought over the ball. I didn't feel like cheering them on. I pulled out my phone, getting into my message app and clicking on Jack's name.

ME:  hey, whats your punishment? im benched right now, so im bored as hell

ME:  did u get your punishment yet?

JACK:  just shut up

ME:  woah jesus how mad ARE you

JACK:  mad enough, now leave me the hell alone

ME:  im bored tho, aren't you?

JACK:  even if I am bored, im not talking to YOU

ME:  ouch, you're this sour after a little fight?

JACK:  just shut up im not in the mood to talk to you

I clicked out of our messages and instead tried texting someone else. Someone I knew probably wouldn't respond, but it was worth a shot. I didn't want to look at the soccer practice I was missing out on, it just made it worse.

ME:  uh, hey. I know you probably don't wanna talk to me right now, but im bored and I really wanna talk to u

ME:  u there? look I don't know why u r so mad at me

ME:  I didn't do much.... is this over that stupid ass phone call?

FELIX:  yes, yes it is over that phone call. you weren't yourself, you still aren't. you got into a fight today with Jack, since when does that happen?

ME:  am I not aloud to change?

FELIX:  your changing for the worst by hanging out with him! I can't bare to watch you throw away your potential, so we aren't friends now

ME:  woah woah woah, throw away my potential? what if I feel as if I just discovered "my potential"?

FELIX:  oh trust me Mark, you didn't. you really didn't.

ME:  wow, you know your not being too supportive right now

FELIX:  supportive for what?! fuck off Mark, stop playing the victim.

I scoffed as I turned my phone off. If nobody wanted to talk to me then I would just talk to myself, or take some time to think.

Time to think about Felix, about the kiss, about the fight.

Felix had been my best friend, the only person there for me that I trusted, the only person that stayed on a skype call with me all throughout the night when I wanted to kill myself and needed support. It pissed me off that he would just throw all those memories away, because I was changing.

I used to be this good little boy, afraid to even bend the rules slightly. Afraid to stick up for himself, and just took the beatings and shame everyone laid on his shoulders.

I stood up for myself today, and Felix didn't like it?

Sure, I might have escalated things a bit in the fight, but I wasn't letting Jack push me over, and all of a sudden Felix doesn't want to hang out with me. It felt almost as if he wanted to be friends with a helpless, perfect kid.

Deep inside, I had the feeling that Felix was just worried. He didn't want me to fight against Jack because he didn't want me to get hurt already more then I was now. He didn't want me to hang out with Jack in fear that I would abandon him and start bullying with Jack. He didn't want to lose me, and I didn't want to lose him.

He was right, I always played the victim card, I never once thought about Felix's point of view. I was such a dick to him. I mean, he threw away his girlfriend just to hang out with me. I needed to fix things with Felix, or move on. I couldn't stay in the middle, in the grey anymore.

The kiss, god, the old me would have crawled under my covers and wanted to die, staying in bed the rest of the weekend.

So, why didn't I?

How much have I really changed, and was it for the better?

I don't understand why I kissed him. My brain seemed to take the backseat, while my heart leapt into action. But, I kissed Jack.

Was that truly what my heart wanted, or did it make a rash decision in the moment?

Jack wasn't truly what I desired, I wanted a guy who would protect me, who would love me and be the dominant one in our relationship. I wanted a guy who was unique, and didn't make fun of me for any of my weird hobbies or interests.

Jack fit, well, hardly any of those.

He didn't protect me, he for sure as hell didn't love me, he wouldn't be the dominant one in a gay relationship, I just don't see him being that way. Sure he was unique, but not necessarily in a good way.

He made fun of everything about me, so why did my heart seem to flutter every time his face crossed my mind?

Why did my cheeks heat up when I remembered back to the day that he fell on top of me?

Why does my heart sink when he insults me and says he doesn't like me?

Why did that kiss make me feel, turned on, amused, satisfied?

Why do I feel aroused thinking about how he slightly kissed back, how our lips moved in sync?

Why do I get hard just thinking about gym class, seeing him change into those tight uniforms and running around, his muscles showing through?

Why did I put up with his beatings?

Why did I love him?...

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