Chapter 30

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Depressed From Death

A/N: Early update just because I love you guys! This chapter is kind of depressing as the title suggests so sorry just keep reading, it will get more up beat! Un-edited btw.

Lilly's POV:

        I dropped the gun and started to run towards the man I had just...shot. Before I could get very far I felt two sttong hands grip onto me and pull me in close to them. He shushed me and whipped my tears before I had even realize I had tears dripping off my face. "Jake, is he..." I trailed off. "Yeah." He said as everyone stared in shock at Falcetta Humbucio lying there lifeless. I slid to the ground and put my head in my hands realizing what I had done. I was no better than he was. I was a killer.

        The firm hands swept me off the floor and carried me out. All I could do was stare into the nothingness, thinking about how stupid my decision had been. How could I take someone's life from them in a blink of an eye? How heartless did I have to be to stop anoyher person's heart forever? I couldn't take it. The pain I felt in my gut was like no other. I had done the worst thing I could possibly do. I was a...a...murderer.

          Before I knew it i was back at headquarters. "Come on, Lilly." Josh said holding his hand down to help me out of the helicopter. I jumped out not bothering to take his hand. I didn't deserve his help. I didn't deserve anything. I stumbled inside, guilt weighing me down. Before I knew it my knees gave out. I sat on the floor thinking through every single thing I had ever done wrong and all I wanted to do was lock myself up and never contact anyone again.

          Josh lifted me up, spinning me to face him with anger in his eyes. "This is not your fault. If I had been in that position I would've done the same thing," he said giving me a shake of the shoulders. "You made a choice to not die. I may have cost his life but think of how many people he killed....innocent people. He was not innocent and you are not invincible.  If he would have come at you, he would have killed you. Do not blame yourself." He said wiping a silent tear from my face. I looked at him dumbfoundedly and he pulled my into a tight hug. I couldn't move and I didn't want to. He was my brother and he was always there for me. I loved him and he loved me, but I don't deserve him.

        He pulled himself from me and carried me to my dorm. He laid me in my bed, kissing my forehead before turning to leave. As soon as he walked away I closed my eyes attempting to sleep. All I could do though is manage to think of my sin. No matter what my brother said I know that what I did was the worst thing I could ever imagine. I killed someone. Was the only thing my mind would allow me to think. I tried not to think at all, and finally my eyes slipped shut and the thoughts drained as I fell asleep.

***

        When I woke up, I saw Jake sitting in the corner of my room reading a packet. I threw a pillow at him. "Morning Lilly." He said carefully as he approached my bed and sat on the corner stroking my hair from my face. "I had a horrible nightmare last night, Jake.  You don't even know." I said knowing that everything I just remembered must have been a dream. "What was it about?" He asked confused on why I was acting normal. "I, I well, sort of shot Humbucio and he um, well died, but it was a dream so whatever." I said remembering the painful depressed state I was in. Jake looked down and scratched the back of his neck. He looked up meeting my eyes with a concerned look. "That wasn't a dream." He said nervously as a tornado of butterflies swirled in my stomach. I felt like I was going to puke. "I, I" couldn't finish my sentence. As soon as it finally hit me that sense of depression came back and I stared at my hands. "What did I do?" I whispered as a tear dripped onto my hands.

          Jake looked to me and gripped my face woth both hands. "He was going to kill you. What were you supposed to do? Lilly, you are good and no one can deny that. If you didn't feel it necessary, you wouldn't have done it. No one could save you because there was nothing we could do. The only way you could live was for you to make that decision and help yourself. You are not a monster, murderer, or anything of the sort. It would have been suicide if you didn't exert the force necessary. Lilly, I love you and your family loves you. I'm in love with you. You just need to pull through. There was no other way." He finished of before planting his lips right on mine. I couldn't help, but feel better. He was right. It was strictly self-defense. It does not make it right in any way to kill somebody though. The only thing I could do was try and save my soul. I tangled my fingers in Jake's beautiful dark brown hair.  He pulled me closer so our torsos were connected which resulted in me straddling him at the waist. He bit my lip asking for permission and as soon as I granted him our tongues were in sync. We were made for each other.

          I pulled away for a short moment catching some air before being pulled back in for anothe round. It was the most passionate kiss I've ever had. I pulled away again now stopping as we both caught our breathe. "I'm in love with you too." I whispered into his ear before catching one of his award winning smiles. He gave me a quick peck on the lips before going over and grabbing the papers he had been reading when I woke up.

        He scanned the last page before looking up at me. "What?" I asked nervously. He looked over the papers once more before breakimg the silence. "They want us to talk with the captured enemy agents. Break the facade they put up." He said shaking his head. "You don't have to if you don't want to. If it's too hard. I'll make up an excuse." He said with concern. Even though I don't like feeling helpless, I can't lie, I love how over protective this boy is. "I have to get through this at some point or another so why not? I have to push past this." I said and he smiled. "That a girl." Then he kissed my forehead before walking to the door. "Be ready by noon." He said be fore smirking and walking through the door.

      This would be hard. I needed to realize this was not my fault. I just couldn't.  I may be better than yesterday but the poker face I hold up will soon fade. I was tearing in half on the inside with guilt.

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A/N: I couldn't wait to write this chapter for some reason. I had some free time so why not. I love writing and I thinkni have progressed since the first chapter. Ugh. It was so bad. Anyways, love you guys!!! You are all amazing!

*Did you expect Lilly to go off the edge like this?

*What did you think about Josh and Jake's speeches?

*What about that make out sesh?

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Next update is going to be on Thursday as per usual!

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