19•love yourself

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chris

I woke up in a dark place.

I raised my hand to find curtains or something, and I did find curtains. I drew them so I could look outside.

I saw Tom speaking with one of his sisters over tea outside, on a backyard. I know I smiled and there's no point of hiding it now.

"You want him?" A voice similar to mine came from behind me. I looked behind me and saw myself.

"Am I hallucinating?"

"Ask yourself." He answered.

I knew I was. There is not a possibility that everything was a dream because I was wearing the same short sleeved dress shirt when we watched Tom's play. But I didn't tell the alter ego that I knew. I wanted to give him a chance to speak. To give out some creepy advice or something.

"So?"

"So." He answered, and sat in front of me. He looked exactly like me. "Let's pretend Tom doesn't know you. Would that hurt you?"

"I mean-"

"Yes or no," My own thunderous voice made me flinch. So I can be like this? Be strong, like this alter ego?

"Yes." I cleared my throat.

"What if I tell you that he doesn't know you but he knows me; the Chris who's all the same like you, but accepts himself, but knows that he should take care of himself first?"

I snapped. He's getting into my nerves. "Great! Then why are you talking to me then? Go get him for yourself now, huh?" If he was real, I would've really went kinda violent.

"What if he never knew you exist? You'll just watch from the window? He'll never be able to have a name to call the man he always loved."

"He doesn't love me. I thought he made it clear already." I looked outside again. The way Tom's nose crinkled when he chuckled made me smile sadly.

"You don't know what he feels unless you ask him and tell him what you feel too," He firmly told me. This Chris in front of me is so not afraid of anything.

"Look-it's great that he'll never know a Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth is not enough for him." I told my alter ego. His expression turned soft, then I spoke again. "You can go introduce yourself to him now. He's there. He'll love to know a Chris like you instead of me."

I know these are hallucinations but damn, he's really pushing me to it. The alter ego, I mean. He's so fake but he seems real because he knows exactly how to hurt me.

"Oh but I know you're clever, Chris." He stood up and looked out the window himself. "I know you understand what's happening and that I'm a product of your thoughts. Why do you have me in your mind?"

"I always thought that a version of you as myself would be great. You're not real. You love yourself too much but I don't love everything about myself. I have a lot of insecurities. I can't stand up for myself when I can stand up for others. Is imagining a perfect me, imagining you, not okay?"

"I'm not a product of imagination," The alter ego chided. "I am you after you love yourself. I'm not only imaginary. I can be real but the choice is up to you."

"You did not even give me any choice. You just asked me what if Tom knew you and what if Tom didn't know any of us."

He chuckled. "I'm simply asking you to make me real. How? Love yourself. If you don't want to make me real, then don't. But if you don't, not only you become unlike me, but you can't tell Tom how you feel."

Okay. Maybe he's right. Like Tessa said, 'You'll regret not loving yourself first.' And also, my favorite Tessa quote: 'You'll regret not loving the only Tom Hiddleston.'

I should love myself. I should love me. If Tom loves me, I should love me too. But that's still unsure as of now. I hope he loves me back though.

I smiled slowly and spoke.

"Ew, you're so full of yourself. I don't wanna be like you." My alter ego laughed. I laughed too.

"You took one step closer to loving yourself. Okay, well, maybe I sounded too full of myself but-yeah, like-"

"I think it was better if you just said 'You took one step closer to loving yourself'. It sounded cool that way but yeah you added stuttering noises." It was weird to laugh with yourself but it felt good.

I was starting to love everything about me.

(Sometimes the joke Scarlett made about my biceps kinda make me hate myself but okay. If my biceps look like thanksgiving turkey then I still love it.)

"You can love yourself without hallucinations now. Wake up! You've been elbowed, right?" Chris said. He was no longer an alter ego. He was Chris Hemsworth who loved himself, and I'm becoming him now.

My other self(I would prefer calling him my clone) looked so handsome. Oh god. I'm gonna marry him.

"Okay. You're handsome by the way."

He laughed. Then everything faded, turned black. When I opened my eyes, I saw Tom hovering on top of me.

Okay, can I take what I said to my clone back? Tom's now more handsome.

"Are you okay? Do you remember who you are?"

I remember who I am and I love myself for it.

But we still have a business here. I HAVE TO TELL TOM I LOVE HIM. OKAY OKAY I'M NOT A COWARD ANYMORE I CAN DO THIS!

"I'm Chris Hemsworth and I love you."

Silence.

"OH GOD CHRIS YOU DID IT!" Tessa first squealed, then the others started clapping and whistling. I look around and saw Tom's familiar, beautiful bedroom. Thank God we weren't outside anymore.

"But the question is: does Tom do too?" Why did Mark even intervene? I got nervous again.

Tom smiled at everyone, and then me. "That's why you ignored me? I love you too, silly."

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