His Lie in April - 四月の彼の嘘 (Shigatsu no Kare no Uso) (COMPLETE)

"I'm Waiting For You....."/Out of Hope, Out of Time

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Needless to say, this is the darkest chapter in this whole story. It contains a description of suicide and substance abuse. I know that both topics are sensitive to some people, so if these things offend you in any way, please DO NOT read any further. If you do choose to read this, please do so with an open mind and a sense of responsibility for your own actions. Reader discretion IS ADVISED. Thank you.

Also, this is NOT the end of the story yet.
-----
Kousei was, by now, connected to a bunch of machines that kept him alive, in spite of the fact he was for the most part, in a coma; he was just about near-paralyzed; the brain damage he had suffered was very severe; he was more or less kept on life support (being put into a medically-induced sleep for most of the day due to the state of his brain), only awakening for a few hours out of the day for observation by his medical staff (so he could try and talk to them with his tablet, even with his slurred and limited speech); He still couldn't believe he had survived his operation; he was feeling even more desperate by the day.

An old friend of Kousei's came to visit him in his hospital room that night. Who visited? Why, the ghost of his mother, Saki, came to visit him again in his dream. This was during the time he was awake for the sake of observation.

Kousei...... Kousei..... it's me, your mother, Saki. Kousei woke up temporarily. Yes.... who is.... it? Mom? Is that you? The ghost of his mother smiled and said, "Who else? You remember me, dear son. Alright, let me tell you some things. So, you've hit your head a few times and are now in this state? Well..... I have some news. The disease that killed me? It's hereditary, and sadly, you have it too. And given what you've gone through, son, it's only a matter of time now that your life will be over." Kousei then said I guess....

The ghost of Saki continued on. "Well.... I never thought I'd say this, but try and please, end you life soon. By any means possible. Whether it be naturally, or by doing it yourself by any means possible. I don't know how you will be doing it, but just end it. Please forgive me for all the pain that I inflicted on you in the past. Know that I love you deeply, and that you are my son. NEVER forget this. I just wanted you to be accurate to the score, and I demanded NOTHING but the very best from you. And, I felt, by the time I died, I did my job, too. Those friend of yours? Please, leave them behind..... I want to be with you again, by your side. I miss the days when I would talk to you and help mold you into the best pianist out there..... so please, won't you join me on the other side? Take some time.... to remember me. Think about me. I am your mother.... and I want to be with you again soon. I'm waiting for you, Kousei, dearie..... remember that I will always love you." The ghost of Saki disappeared. Kousei had made up his mind.

By September 9th, to the surprise of his medical staff, he suddenly, if only briefly awoke from it. Kousei took his tablet to make his second letter, explaining why would try and take his own life - although the files were explicilty marked as DO NOT READ UNTIL SEPTEMBER 10th, alongside with Kousei's first letter explaining his feelings towards Kaori and his friends; these two letters made out to his friends were NOT to be read until after his death, whenever that would be.

He had now made firm in his decision, that he would try and end his life by any means possible. That's it..... my mom.... I want to be with her again. All this pain inside.... is becoming too much for me..... almost like a huge weight on my shoulders. It is time.... to finally end my life..... should I do it naturally or just end it all right now?

But Kousei preferred doing it himself, if given a choice between ending his life naturally or ending with it on his own terms, as his whole body was just about on its last legs by now; he was also clinically depressed. It was clear he was, deep down inside, feeling hopeless, desperate, and unloved, something which he had concealed well when anybody near and dear to him was near him. He then thought to himself That's it. I'll end my life by my own hand.... it's my only way out of this purgatory I'm in....

However, it seemed like most of the ideas of ending his own life, because of his limited strength, namely, running himself over with a train or even another bus was out of the question, as it would require too much strength to pull off. On top of this, he didn't want to disturb the hospital staff that were overseeing him, who oversaw him for most of the days, outside of late nights.

By the wee hours of the morning of September 10 and being forced into sleep for much of the day and sometimes during the night, Kousei was largely out of ideas to end his life. No other ideas were coming to him, as all of the ideas he had drummed up would require too much effort. Stabbing himself was out of the question, cutting himself would also require too much strength, in addition to having the hospital staff monitoring him constantly. He was slowly withering away, and his body was still failing him.

The doctors discussed their options with Kousei, but another operation would be the likeliest course of option for someone like him. While he would normally be kept asleep for most of the day and night, on this particular occasion, however, Kousei had awoken from his coma, and found this opportunity to finally end his life on his own terms, just like he'd planned all along.

Just then, something sprang to Kousei. It was an idea. How about..... I just end my life by overdosing on some pills? Why didn't I think of this earlier?! I am just about out of hope.... and soon, I'll be out of time. This is my only way out, overdosing! Just as he made this decision, Kousei found a bottle of sedatives, Chlorpromazine, used for sedation for surgery, on a counter that was actually within his reach. He looked at it what it was with his very limited eyesight. 

Chlorpromazine.... So, this is what this hospital uses for surgery. Well, this is it. I'm going to swallow these pills, and it will be the end of my suffering. Nobody even goddamn loves me anymore..... no one will miss me. Kousei opened the bottle, which took him quite a bit since he couldn't move his hands that well. He looked at how many pills there were. Ten of them. 

Kousei, with tears flowing from his frail eyes on his face, swallowed all ten of the pills simultaneously without any water, which took him a good amount of time with his limited strength to consume. He then gave, through an inner monologue, his final thoughts. Kaori..... Tsubaki..... Watari..... Hiroko..... dad..... this is goodbye..... I love you Kaori..... My mother wants me to come back to her..... I'm sorry I've failed you all.....

With that, the teary-eyed Kousei's eyes shut for the last time. One minute had passed by after he consumed the pills, that Kousei Arima's life had officially ended. He was filled with regret over this decision, but it was for the better that it was to be done for him.

Kousei did it. He finally pulled his metaphorical trigger, and it was end of his life and his suffering; five months' worth of accidents and having his mother's disease had finally been too much for Kousei Arima to bear; he had become clinically depressed, and was feeling just about unloved; the head trauma had severely scrambled his brain.

His heart monitor went flat. Nobody was with Kousei when he died. However, two nurses heard the non-functioning heart monitor, and realized what had happened. One of the nurses said in sheer shock "OH MY GOD, MR. KOUSEI ARIMA IS DEAD!!" Two doctors came to see what had happened. "I can't believe it. Mr. Arima has died..... and I think he overdosed on these pills right here! Who the hell left them here?" As the medical staff convened to figure out what happened, they covered him in a white cloth. They were just in utter shock that Kousei had accessed the pills to end his life, and they realized someone had made a large and fatal mistake; certain procedures had not been followed in Kousei's case here, which led to Kousei's suicide. He had died on the morning of September 10, at 1 AM Tokyo time. Soon, news of this would be disseminated nationwide, then worldwide.