might be a trigger warning later on since it deals with depression and stuff, just to let ya'll know cause i'm not an asshole who wants to trigger anyone <3
- - -
"Clem? Are you listening?" I blink a few times, refocusing on the people around me. I haven't slept in a few days or felt myself. Sometimes I get in these moods or feelings where I just want to disappear. It can last for hours or weeks. When this happens I feel like my friends and family hate me and I want cry and sleep all the time. I don't know why I really get like this or how to fix it.
"What? Sorry, I wasn't listening." I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear, staring at Harry. He starts talking about Thanksgiving break and what he is going to do. I try my best to be focused but I end up zoning out again. I don't want to hear anyone talking, I just want silence right now. I'm feeling super overwhelmed and I just want to go home. Suddenly the bell rings, signaling lunch is over. I don't realize I'm getting my things and walking to my next class until I'm sitting in my desk. I rest my cheek on the palm of my hand, staring at nothing. I desperately want sleep.
"Clementine?" I hear an unfamiliar voice call my name. I slowly open my eyes and see Aaron Zimmerman standing in front of my desk.
"God, what do you want?" I groan, putting my head on my desk. I haven't seen him in a few weeks. Everyone knows he took some time off after pulling that stunt on me a few weeks ago, crazily enough normal people don't condone assaults or almost assaults. Wild stuff, huh?
"I just wanted to talk, um, privately. About what happened." He clears his throat, rocking on the balls of his feet. I sit back up and glare at him, or at least try to look mean.
"Listen, Aaron, I'm sure you have some great excuse for trying to assault me but if you say one more word to me I will nut punch you and that's a promise." He actually takes my not so subtle hint to leave me the fuck alone and goes to his seat, or he leaves the class. I don't actually know considering as soon as he excused himself I went back to putting my head on my desk and trying to sleep.
This class and the next go by dreadfully slow. Like I feel like I aged ten years while in those two classes. I have my earbuds in on the way to my car, I just want my sad playlist to drown everything out and yes I do have a sad playlist. I unlock my car, sighing, and yanking open my door. I drop my stuff in the back seat before getting into my car.
"Jesus Christ!" I yell, bringing my hand up against my chest. Harry was standing in front of my car with a crazy look on his face. I pull out my ear buds while he walks over to the drivers side of my car, breathing heavily.
"Can you not hear or something?!" He shouts back at me so I hold up my earbuds to show him I was listening to music. He leans against my door, trying to compose himself. "I need a ride." He tells me, he doesn't ask, he just tells. Before I can respond he's walking over to the passenger side of my car.
"Why can't you drive your own car?" I ask, slamming my door shut. I connect my phone to the aux and turn my car on.
"Something's wrong with it and it's in the shop. Since you're such a good friend, I thought you could help me out."
"Fine but please be quiet, I'm not in a good mood today." I put my sad playlist on and turn the volume up, loudly. He can tell I'm not happy even without me needing to say anything. Fleetwood Mac's 'The Chain' starts playing and Harry stops humming and I don't think he realizes he is humming. I haven't even made it out of the lot yet and he's already pissing me off.
"Didn't I say be quiet?"
"What? Oh, sorry. I love Fleetwood Mac and sometimes I don't realize I'm humming or singing." He taps his fingers to the beat on his knee.
"You sing?" I ask him, taking a left out of the school. I start to relax on the way to his house. I always start off so tense when I drive but slowly relax, I don't know why. I don't think I've ever really been comfortable driving.
"Uh, yeah. My mom is the only one who hears me though." He scratches the back of his neck while I stop at a stop sign. He clears his throat before turning to face me.
"So, what's wrong?"
"What makes you think there's something wrong?" I fight back with a question rather than an answer. I don't like talking about this.
"Well for one, you're listening to Billie Eilish and that girl is depressing as fuck, and two you've been out of it all day." Both of his points were true, Billie was most of this playlist and I have been spacey. But it doesn't mean I want to talk about it.
"Can you drop it? I'm tired and don't want to talk about it."
The rest of the car ride was silent, except for the music, and I was thankful for it. I pulled into his driveway, turned my car off, and sat there, waiting for him to get out. He turned to me again, with a smile on his face.
"I know you don't want to talk but I'm here for you." He tells me, placing his hand on mine and giving it a squeeze. After he realizes I'm not going to reply, he opens the car door and steps out.
"Harry." I call his name and he ducks down, looking at me. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah, of course." He nods at me and I thank him. I follow him inside of his house and into his room. He shuts the door quietly while I take a seat on his bed.
"What do you wanna do?" He asks me while I move farther up his bed so my back is against the headboard.
"Got any movies?" Instead of answering me, he opens up his laptop and brings it to his bed. While he searches for something, I text my mom letting her know where I am. Well, that I'm at a friend's house, just not which friend. We decide on To All The Boys I've Loved Before even though we've both seen it.
"Do you want to talk?" Harry asks me before we've even gotten to the second seen. I had just gotten in a comfortable position, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Are you going to keep bothering me about it if I don't?"
"I mean, yeah. Probably."
"That's kind a dick move."
"I'm just trying to help."
"Fine, pause it. Let me lie down since I'm in a therapist's room apparently." He does pause and moves over a little so I can lay down. I close my eyes, regretting agreeing talking to him.
"What is it?"
"It's just...sometimes I feel like everyone hates me and I should just die. Sometimes I do want to die. I don't even know why I feel like this most of the time. I mean after any fight I have I feel like this but I'll also feel like this when I wake up some days and I don't know what causes it. I feel like I can't breathe and I want to cry and sleep all the time. Nothing makes me happy these days and I feel so unloved by everyone and I feel like such a burden. I want to die a lot of the time. And that's about as deep as I want to get into this tonight." I unload all my crap on Harry and the whole time I'm explaining these things, he just nods and at least acts like he cares what I have to say.
"Well I can't say I relate to all of that but I relate to some of it. I've had my fair share of shit happen in my life so if you ever need to talk or finish talking about this, I'm here for you. I don't know what else to say but that so I hope that helps, at least a little."
"It actually, sort of, does. Thank you." Then the next thing I do I think surprises not only me but him too. I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. I just need someone to hold me. He slowly reciprocates and wraps his arms around me too. We stay like this for a little while but then go back to watching the movie. It was just us for a while and nothing else was bothering me in the world and it felt nice. I actually felt a little better, I mean not much, but some.