4 - The Alpha's Flame

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Title: The Alpha's Flame

Author: FireAlwaysReturns

Chapters: 25 posted, 10 read

This is a really cool world you've created, and it's really cool to see the dynamics between packs, as well as the fact that there are other creatures too, like firefoxes and vampires. I'm also intrigued about Zanixa, as she's been trapped in a bottle for two and a half centuries, and that must do something to your psyche. 

However, for all the good worldbuilding you've done, there was also a lot of forced exposition. I found that a good portion of the dialogue is exposition, and it gets very dry and forced in big quantities. Characters like the Omegas and to an extent Sila and Ocsen are there to exposit, and it makes their characters pretty superfluous.  

I really enjoyed the dynamic between Thoysal and Zanixa. It's very "bonding over both being different", and it was nice to see. I liked the telepathic connection between the two of them, as it gave a clear reason for Thoysal and Zanixa to get to know each other and form a bond, and for Thoysal to take care of Zanixa. It was very sweet to read about. 

However, all the other characters were kinda... shells? Like, none of them had personalities past Thoysal and Zanixa. I legit had to look up the rest of their names, and even then I can't recall all of them. There were just so many introduced all at once, and it was hard to keep track of all of them, so I just... didn't. 

I'm also not sure what the plot is. Like, Zanixa is introduced to the pack, and is taken in by Thoysal, and she wants to find her mother, but I'm not sure exactly what the author plans to do with the story going forward. 

The writing is... okay. There's nothing really wrong with it, per say, but it does get redundant very fast. I noted that a lot of the time, sentences are started with 'I'. This definitely gets better as the story progresses, but it made the earlier ones very choppy. You also don't really describe any settings. At most, we get a few details, but it's never enough to fully envision the setting, and it really detracted from the world and all the building you did. And your dialogue also just doesn't sound natural. This is because, as I noted above, all of it is exposition, but even then, it was very long-winded and explanatory in a way that most people aren't. You even made a joke about Zanixa saying something incredibly scripted and Thoysal saying that couldn't have been made up by her. Except, all the dialogue sounds like that. 

So, overall, I was intrigued by the premise and world of this story, but the execution, especially in the character department, let me down. 

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