"Morning, daddy." I said with a force smile. Humalik ako sa pisngi niya bago umupo sa tabi niya. I woke up feeling awful. My eyes were sore from crying myself to sleep last night. I finally let out all the emotions I was holding back after Axel left. I felt mad and angry because of what he did to me. He had used my body as he wanted. But most of all, I was scared... I was scared because I liked it. A part of me had enjoyed what he had done and on some level, I crave him. Even if I didn't want to admit, he made me feel delightfully owned.
"Good morning." Ngumiti si dad sa akin. "Sayang at hindi kayo nag-abot ni Axel. Kaaalis niya lang kani-kanina."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Saan siya pumunta?"
"Bumalik na ng Maynila. Marami na daw siyang naiwang trabaho. Nagpasalamat siya sa akin at umalis na. Hindi ba siya nagpaalam sa'yo?"
I felt my heart drop to my stomach at what I just heard. Umalis na si Axel, bumalik na siya sa Manila. Dapat nga matuwa ako, hindi ba? Wala nang mangugulo sa akin at sa amin ni David?
"Good riddance." I said and swallowed the lump forming in my throat.
"Hanggang ngayon ba hindi pa rin kayo nagkakasundo?" Tanong ni daddy.
I just shrugged my shoulders.
"Kayo talagang mga bata kayo." Naiiling na sabi ni daddy.
I forced myself to eat even when I lost my appetite. I felt like there was a lump blocking my throat as I tried to keep the tears at bay. He didn't have any reason to stay here any longer. Nakuha na kasi niya ang gusto niya. To him this was all just a game. He'd throw girls like garbage after he was done with them and move on to the next one. It's really sick how he gets his thrills.
Dumating si David pagkatapos kong magbreakfast. We went out to see a movie together katulad ng napag-usapan naming kahapon. And suddenly he was holding my hand and putting his arm around me in the theater. David was really sweet to me pero hindi ko mapilit ang sarili ko na mag-enjoy. Something was bothering me and I couldn't figure it out. I was off. Ni hindi ako maka-focus sa pinanonood naming movie. Nag-aya na akong lumabas bago pa man matapos iyon.
"Hey, you alright?" Tanong sa akin ni David habang naglalakad kami.
I gave him a faint smile and nodded my head.
"No, you're not. Was it about what happened yesterday?" He asked.
"No, yes... I- I don't know..." I sighed.
"Angel," He gently touched my cheek. "What happened yesterday was amazing."
It wasn't, for me... Agad akong nagbaba ng tingin. I didn't want him to see it in my eyes. It made me even more confused than I ever was. What happened yesterday ignited nothing but discontent and frustration. I was supposed to feel something, a spark, anything but I didn't. All I could think of was Axel's lips while I was kissing him. I closed my eyes and imagined it was him as David's lips trailed down my neck but it didn't work. It just made me feel more guilty. Because I was thinking of Axel while I was kissing him. I let him kiss me for a few moment before I pushed him away. I didn't realize he left a mark there until Axel pointed it out last night.
Naiinis ako sa sarili ko because I thought by letting him kiss me I could erase Axel's kisses. Na mararamdaman ko din kay David ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing hinahalikan niya ako. I wanted to prove to myself that my love for David would win over my lust for Axel. And I proved myself wrong. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap iyon. It was as if my body didn't belong even to me anymore, this body was Axel's. His to touch, his to kiss, his to hold, his to ravage, to fuck...