v i s c e r a l s t o r i e s

Harlequin's Podcast 2

Me : There's this one time I shoved up a hard-boiled egg way up inside my butthole because I'm just feeling dirty horny that time but I failed to pull it out as a whole and it got mashed inside my ass. Don't worry, I pooped it out in powdered form, which is amusing.
Green : Morbidly disgusting, but I'm intrigued. I should try that sometimes.
DH : [whispering to the camera] Fuck these guys, I wanna go home.
John : Guys, we're live.
Me : Wha-? Oh, what? [yeets all the empty beer cans from the table to his left] Hello, ladies, non-ladies, pansexuals, genderfluids, pedophiles, 14-year-old atheists and every retarded labels you call yourself, it's your bois, back at it again for another podcast nobody asked for us to do, but it's for charity so please, donate on my fundraiser.
DH : [confused] Wait, what's that charity?
Me : "Me". All the money that will be collected will be a great help to my collapsing life and addiction, I mean spiritual cardiac resuscitation. I'm literally screaming help when I wake up this morning and all my demons are telling me to kill myself. They had this election inside my head last week and Beelzebub became their leader. I'm not even mad because he gives some good advices.
Green : Hey, quick shout-out to that girl that rejected me last week. You know what? I'm hot as fuck, not even joking. I'm super confident, I don't care if you rejected me because you think I'm an arrogant because I'm special as fuck. There are many girls better than you that wants me, that will do shibari with me, that will spit in my mouth. You can either dm these beta males, or message someone like me who actually knows how to make a girl feel special. If you don't believe me, trial me by sending me a picture of yourself, and if I don't have you admiring yourself enough to the point you make out with your reflection than I am a fraud. This applies only for girls and is subject to availability. Thank you.
DH : [drumming his fingers on the table while looking at the distance, visibly disappointed]
Me : Okay.... uhh, while we're at it, shout-out to Julio, water my fucking plants, you walking nacho with a mustache. I know you stole my keys.
DH : Shout-ou-
Green : I just remember this guy that won first prize at the Greater Falls Science Fair, April of 26. Not really a fan of science that much but in his experiment, he showed how we can be easily scared of everything in the environment or how fleeceable we are. He asked these people to sign a petition that demands strict control or total ban for the usage of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" because of the reasons such as: it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting, it's a major component of acid rain, it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state, accidental inhalation of it can kill you, it contributes to erosion and it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients. So he asked 50 people about it if they can support the ban of this chemical in which 43 of them said yes, 6 were undecided and only one of them knew that dihydrogen monoxide is "water". That experiment had shown a lot of things like one, some people are easily deceive of something just because it sounds scientific, complex or if there are stated reasons — without doing a research if those are even legitimate information — that supports it and that experiment isn't limited to those 50 people only, but on a larger scale, planetary scale, human population scale.
DH : It's quite alarming that there's a percentage that are gullible.
Green : I don't really care about them, I just find it funny.  Let's just take it as a good example to become better persons and stay away from stupidity, immaturity and self-delusion, arrogance and narcissism. And to you, our lovely listeners, even though you're too absorbed with your dogma, just remember: no one makes it out alive in here after all.
Me : We live in a society. We…. [leans in closer to mic] We are meat sculptures with souls imprisoned within us. Pagliacci lives inside of us. We fear intimacy as much as we crave it but we will never shed that last defense mechanism of aloofness to acquire that unconditional love we're wanting to receive. We make people laugh and smile but we can't handle the crushing weight of our own suffering and problems.
Green : I run away from my problems using a hoverboard.
DH : You can't run away from your problems with that.
Green : Listen, dead weight, be my guest. I can't eat, drink or rest. Every moment is waste spending on agony. Oh yes, I am depressed.
DH : [rubbing bridge of nose] Here we go again with the homicidal monologues, poetically-destructive soliloquys.
Me : I'm a hectic heretic killing paraplegic epileptic, an insomniac on a poisonous aphrodisiac. Sleep is for the weak, watch me throat it every week while you worship on a folly for an oratory, calling it a god.
Green : My brain sometimes has autonomous shutdowns that create stupid shadow areas as black as your armpit and my soul. An instantaneous break of the fluctuation drowning the perceptions and run for the heart up to the mind. It can be a dead fly falling against your forehead, it tears up by the unknown terror of a dislocation of the space among unscanning whiles. And I wait the rain, so cisgays, let's go in the same direction on a liquid mirror superfecie.
DH : [bruh sound effect]
Me : [shouting] Okay, there's an unexpected item in the bagging area. [loudly sighs] I hope there are no kids that is listening to my podcast because I don't wanna be a pedoooooophile, bro. Stay in school, kids, and don't do drugs. If you found one, you, you better count me in tho but…. [pulls out a decaying carrot from the trash can] will I get sick if I eat this shit? Let's find out.
Green : [brings out a gun] Let's play a wheel-of-fortune and see which lucky bullet will put me out of my misery and end my pain tonight.
DH : Wait, whe…. where did you get that?
Green : I carry a pistol, so casual, when I’m in my crystal castle. Holsters holding fistfuls of asshole, you're still wishful while glass rolls. My dad was a soldier. He was 360 noscoped in a battle in Afghanistan and those who killed him did a fortnite dance on his body plus they teabagged it [puts the gun in the roof of his mouth].
Me : [doused in stomach acid and last night's leftovers] This is scrumdiddlyumptious.
Green : [screaming] I CAN SEE EVERY EQUATIONS! I'M GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER!
Me : DO IT YOU PUSSY!
DH : [looking at the camera, puts a finger in his neck and slowly drags it across, classic execution motion]
Green : I'M NOT A PUSSY! I JUST DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN!
DH : Holy…. why is the room smelling like dissolved vertebral fossa?
Me : You're a pussy and you're like that random candle wick I found in my toolbox, like, I didn't know how it got there but I know that it's useless as fuck [bites carrot].
Green : Ladies and every gentleman that studied the blade [wears fedora], welcome to Humanities Top Unsolved Mysteries and for episode number 1: Where did my childhood happiness go?
Me : The world is like an enclosure made with wagons by emigrants in the vicinity of hostile Indians. From procreation in battery to thousands of tons of dead to eating garbage and defecate and repeat. Incinerated by the prophetic witch fire, thelemic bitch cauldron secret ingredient for a sarcophagus soup, innards melting one with the crystal castle. We are at the time of the extremists, well-dressed psychopaths organized massacre with a smile in their face as they assassinate a child. These mimes are the true fools, madness scientific oppression, complex lexical brutality to the labeled fodder, lawlessness masked as laws. We are in a state of jungle where everywhere is the law of the gun, sex-obsessed culture organized prostitution romanticized-rape copulation, nauseating squeals and the third world dies as the pigs are growing. Uncertainty is revolting, private soldier incise, murders in slaughterhouses, charred into coal in labs, prisoners behind rusting bars and suspects cook in the furnace of the regime. The rebels waste away, kept in isolation, in the bloodshot eyes of their comrades, they watch their souls deteriorate. Blood in the pavement, heads bounce, guillotine released. A man who bursts into pieces—explosive dissected flesh—dynamited and plastiqued by executioners in a napalm shower. Healthy bodies thinned and swept by famine, shadowed by gluttonous vultures circling above. I do not like dirt but I'll eat it anyway. The swine crowd chants with a disgusting laughter, the pigs watch their improv slaughter. Monkeys driven by dementia, those who see the truth are labeled with schizophrenia. Beethoven becomes morbid sadism, pigs in golden suits with a big fucking sign on their foreheads saying "nescience". Man down! Take a shot of a molotov cocktail. One side of the violence coin is the pecuniary, on the other the military penumbra. At the moment of schlagues the blood flood, face plastered with magoa sinking in the crimson puddle, fragrance of death overpowering comforting petrichor. When will the rain cleanse us again? We are overpowered with infamy and obloquy and choked up with hatred. We are treated on the maxim that the surefire way of turning us into hangmen is to give us a bad reputation. I'm not even surprised by any of this, the chorus of maledictions they use to revile us is quite in the nature of things for we speak in tongues unconsecrated by usage. We are at mercy at this sadistic false sense of autonomy, woolgathering for freedom away from zemblanity and belong to none of the parties that impugn the possession of power.
DH : At this point, I won't be surprised if a cop came knocking on the door.
Me : They can't arrest me, I have Vitamin D deficiency.
DH : Don't you mean vicodin dependency?
Me : Nah, either green fairy or percocet or magic shrooms to get that long weekends and heavy detoxifications or maybe a good ol' cup of caffeine with drops of milk dissolving in the potent black abyss as I question reality, as I question society, as I question myself.
Green : [doing a line of baking soda on the table] Last week, I fucked my bronchial tubes and I swear I heard Satan inside of me.
Me : But…. [blushing] what if we kissed in the Rwandan Genocide? Omg.
DH : [defeated sigh]
Green : I have a fantasy that Ricardo Milos and I are on a plane together and it crashes. We both end up on a deserted island, just us two. Ricardo, being the macho guy sculpted by the gods with his red bandana on his head knows close to nothing of how to survive, while my years of being a boyscout has taught me how to make fires and live somewhat off the land. We'd spend years together on this island. He would come to rely on me for human company and I would do the same for him. For the sake of our sanity, of course. Eventually, we'd fall for each other and we'd make passionate love for hours on end. After a few years of fucking each other, some debris would wash ashore allowing us to finish the construction of a raft, a la Castaway. During the voyage home, Ricardo and I would get separated, but we'd both make it home. Him, picked up by a luxury cruise playing Dota by Basshunter, me by a commercial grade fishing boat playing any basic bitches song. We'd both think that the other had died. I would make it home a month or so later, while he was taken home immediately, being Ricardo washed up on a cruise. Upon returning home, I turn on the television and see him on a famous tv show while macho dancing, showing his gluteus maximus in the worldwide television and doing an interview about his time on the island. I watch the whole thing from beginning to end, and he speaks nothing of our survival together and our relationship. He's telling everyone that he survived by himself for half a decade. Broken and with anger in my heart, I take my savings and go on a trip to where he is. I find my way past Ricardo's security and break into his room while he's alone. Standing behind him, I cough loudly to get his attention. I say "Did you miss me?" and he begins deeply sobbing. Barely able to talk through the enormous gasps for air, he chokes out an excited "yes!". At this point, we fuck. The greatest fuck we've ever had. The most passionate, beautiful fuck that ever fucked. Then, after I come a few times, I ask to hotdog his ass. Then, while I'm doing that one last time, I bash his brains in with a lamp and after that, I will commit suicide, right by each other's side.
DH : [defeated sigh (2)]
Me : [looking at John] The fuck are you looking at?
John : I'm not even looking at you! You know what? Out of everyone in this room, I'm obviously the normal one. You guys are a bunch of retards.
Me : Damn it, John, you're so witless. Come up with a good insult, you fucking low-resolution fully-erected 3-inch Japanese penis.
John : Shut up, you male Anne Frank-looking fuck with a futa fetish.
Me : [loud gasps] How dare you? You learn so fast it's quite alarming, darling.
DH : [looking at the camera] Everyone except me in this room is a bitch.
Green : John, you unhydrated beta virgin. The only time you had sex is when you accidentally rubbed your crotch on the desk and it instantaneously made you precum. Be useful and pass me a beer.
[random flying beer slams on Green's face]
Green : Thank you.
Me : I'm afraid we need to say goodbye but folks, remember: We are naked and raw for those who do not fear carnal. Thank you for listening to my podcast.