CHAPTER 15 A Door is Closed Now

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copyright 2017 Chris Smith  All rights reserved.

"If you feel like you must give them the money, make it a one-time gift. You should tell them that if they right themselves in the future, you would be happy to receive a gift in return. This way, there is no burden of debt in the relationship; you're giving the money with no expectation of any return."


I made the routine morning call to my Parents.

"So, how's it going?" I asked.

"Well, Susie called us early this morning," Dad said.

"How did it go?"

"She turned us down for the Farm loan."

"I guess that's not surprising," I said.

I had mixed feelings about it. I didn't want us taking Susie's money, if it could be helped. But I was concerned how Mom was going to take it. She seemed so convinced about Susie helping us.

"No. But she did offer to pay for us to stay at the Red Roof Inn for a couple weeks while we got a plan together of what we were going to do with our lives now," Dad said.

"Uh," I said.

"We declined," Dad said.

"Yeah. No kidding."

"Susie also recommended that if Your Mother needed to raise some cash, Your Mother should sell some of her things. Susie mentioned the items she was interested in buying again. Susie said we should sell the entire Farm, relocate back to Texas [where we had lived almost two decades ago] and start over."

"So, we're back to Susie wanting to get her hands on Mom's stuff. As if having that stuff is going to make everything better? I don't get it. And us moving back to Texas? That's fucking funny Dad," I said with a laugh.

I knew my Mom. It would be a cold day in Hell before Mom sold or gave those items to anyone.

"We thought so too," Dad said.

"As if our lives can be fixed by relocating."

"Exactly," Dad said.

The problem wasn't where we lived, or even how we lived. The problem was how we felt about ourselves, what we felt we deserved, what we felt we were worthy of, and therefore our lives, and subsequently money.

Moving wasn't going to change the basic principles by which we had been living. Moving wouldn't change our thinking. All moving would change was our physical address.

And then what?

We'd still be left with the same basic reality of who we were, how we felt about ourselves, and what we truly believed we deserved at the core of our being.

"So, how's Mom doing?"

"She got pretty upset on the phone," Dad said.

"I can imagine she did."

"I tried to act as a mediator again between them."

"Well, it seemed like Mom had convinced herself Susie would help us. So, that must have been a tough blow. Although I'm glad she turned us down. Because the way it sounded to me, there would have been a lot of [emotional] baggage coming with the money."

"So am I. But I think Your Mother thought of this like a last shot, her last idea to try and save the Farm."

"It's too bad it had to turn into such a negative interaction though," I said.

"Yes. It is."

"Well, it's Susie's money. So she can do with it what she wants and what she feels is right for her and her family. That's her decision. I just don't understand why all the judgment. She could have just said no without lashing into Mom. Jesus. And as if that's going to resolve anything for anyone, other than just venting it all. I'm so sorry Dad that you and Mom had to go through that," I said.

"Me too. There was a lot of pent up issues that go way back. It's too bad."

I didn't know if Susie had the money or not to help us and I didn't care either. It was her money and her life. But I do know that if the roles had been reversed and it had been Mom in Susie's position, rift or not, Mom would have given all she could. And I don't believe Mom wouldn't have given a shit about getting her hands on Susie's antiques or jewelry either. Mom would have even gone to the mat with Dad and fought with him about how to give Susie more money. Mom was fucked up about a lot of things, but she would give away her last dollar for someone who came to her for help because that's the type of person she was.

I felt horrible for Mom. It was a missed opportunity for both she and Susie to heal their relationship that had nothing to do with the money. Mom could be a stubborn and brutal mule when she wanted to be. I wasn't sure she'd ever open a door to Susie again.

If Susie had agreed I don't think it would have been worth it, given her attitude about my Parents and their choices. It sounded like she had a lot judgement and wanted nothing more than to punish them, especially my Mom, for some unwritten crime they'd committed. Plus if we took Susie's money, we would be controlled by what Susie wanted, and how Susie felt. It would have been a bad deal all around.

And the horrible crime?

It must be the crime of being in debt. It must be the crime of being Dreamers. Yes. We were out there on the field of life pushing ourselves. We weren't just sitting back and going through the motions of living. We wanted more and while we hadn't figured it all out, we were trying. There were a lot of people that weren't even trying for their Dreams.

Throw us in the stupidity slammer for believing in our Dreams and wanting more for our lives. Nail us to the cross for going out and trying things that failed. We must be the most horrible people on the planet. We should just jump off a cliff or something so the world can be rid of such insignificant and ignorant people like us.

Gimme a break! Get real!

Where would the world be if the Dreamers never dreamed?

Where would the world be without people that stretched into the realms of the impossible?

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Thomas Edison

American Inventor, Scientist, Businessman


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