CHAPTER 14 You're No Bill Gates

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copyright 2017 Chris Smith  All rights reserved.

The three of us went for a walk together on the Farm the next day. The sky was beautiful, almost too perfect considering the shit that was going on. Things seemed normal but underneath our world was starting to crumble. We talked about what was going on and what we could do to change it as we walked.

"Ya know, Dad, Susie was right about one thing. You are no Bill Gates," I said.

I was trying to find a different perspective. He looked at me waiting for the punch line.

Then I said, "You're bigger than Bill Gates."

We all laughed!

Who was someone else to tell us who we were?

And more importantly who we could be?

As if someone else who had spent very little time with us, or even our closest friend, could define us, predict, and put into law what our possibilities were.

Susie did not know or hold any answers for us. She wasn't a truthsayer, a fortune teller, or a soul predictor. She could not know the vast amount of potential and greatness inside us. And neither could anyone else.

"And awfully arrogant too," I thought.

I had joined Facebook on one of the daily visits to the local coffee shop. It was the first time in years I started to reconnect with friends and family. But I was torn. I didn't like my life and I sure as hell didn't want to answer questions about it.

Besides, what would I say?

How would I explain it when I had trouble wrapping my own head around it?

I tried to imagine how a conversation like that would go.

"How have you been?" friend asks.

"We're in the middle of Foreclosure with no idea how we will save our Farm, fund our Dreams, and we're almost down to pennies in the bank account. We're believing that a higher power will somehow show us a way through. So every day we wake up we ask for guidance and insight on what we need to do to achieve our Dreams. And how are you?"

Talk about people thinking you're off your rocker [rocking chair]. Hell, I wouldn't know what to say if someone else said that to me.

Do you wish them well?

Do you judge them?

Do you act all nice and supportive and then immediately distance yourself from them like they have the plague?

No. It's better to keep your mouth shut.

If anyone asked how I was, I could simply give them the standard, "I'm good. How are you?"

So I played the game and towed the line of acting as if I was healthy, happy, and everything was good. I made a point of being cheerful. But the truth was, I was lying through the fake smile I coated over all the words.

I didn't want to admit what was going on in my life. Saying the words would somehow make it true, more of a reality than it already was. I knew that saying the words would bring the questions, and inevitably the judgments as well.

Besides, what could they possibly do or say that was going to help me?

I was living a life that no one knew about. I was living through my own hell each and every damn day. I woke up in hell, and went to bed in hell. I could not escape it. It encased my entire existence.

Do I tell them how I wake up in fear?

Do I tell them how the stress is eating me alive from the inside out?

The truth was each day I lived in constant and overwhelming skin stripping dread of what the new day would bring. Fear had crawled inside me, at every turn. And some days I couldn't bear to put anything in my stomach because it was filled with knots I couldn't seem to untie. I might as well pull my guts out and cut them off myself, because that's how it felt.

Will the day bring another notice?

Will someone take all our stuff?

How will we get through this?

Will our Farm be taken from us?

Where is our miracle?

Where is the Dream I dream of but cannot see with my eyes?

Will it ever come?

What if my whole life, everything I am, and all the Dreams I have ever had are a lie?

What if it never happens?

What if deep down I am a failure like some people seem to believe?

What if I can't do this?

What if we can't do this?

I didn't need any more of judgment. No sir. Not me. Not another ounce of it. I put enough judgment on my own plate to last lifetimes. Those entire so-called supporters who didn't believe in us, could all go to hell. I'd probably see them there because for all intents and purposes that's where I was already.

"It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted."


Greek Playwright

(Abt. 525-456 BC)

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