Chapter 106.

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"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

(A/N: I know I've used this song before, but this cover is beautiful and fitting, also the reference to things feeling like the movies has me fucked up in regards to his tapes)

***

I didn't talk much on the drive home, and despite Jimmys attempt to cheer me up with a stellar Mariah Carey performance; the anxiety twisting in my gut mixed with the aching in my chest knowing I was going to see Harry was making it hard to smile much at all.

How do you have this type of conversation with someone? We've had such difficult conversations since I've known him, but I think this one takes the cake.

I didn't know what state Harry would be in when I walked in. Would he be drinking? Would he even be there? Would he be angry at me for leaving while he was asleep?

I doubt Steve could stop him leaving if he had his mind set on it. I have no idea what I'll be walking into.

I haven't heard from him and Jimmy said Steve had messaged him to say he arrived at our place a couple hours ago, but that's all he's heard.

I told Harry I was on my way home but I still didn't get a reply, I don't know if that was making me feel better or worse.

Was he still asleep?

Well if he was Steve would be still standing at our front door and surely he would have messaged Jimmy about that.

I keep wishing this was a bad dream, but I know it's not. I know I've ignored the signs that have been flashing in neon lights around the things Harry has done.

Partially looking past things from being distracted by everything with David, to honestly trying to lessen how bad the things he's done are in my mind.

It's why I never wanted details.

But, I can't keep going on ignoring it. As incredible, sweet and loving Harry is, he's also capable of all the things he's done and I can't pretend he isn't.

I feel like, I should also feel more betrayed that he lied to me - considering he's lied to me several times already.

At the same time, I knew he had secrets and I can't really blame him from not turning around when we first met and be like

"Oh hey by the way, I kill people"

But you know what? Abby three years ago would have been gullible enough to think it was a bad joke and brushed it off.

Abby six months ago was that gullible.

You ever look back on your past self and just wanna smack some sense into them?

I still remember what went through my head that first night I met him, when he asked me to go for a smoke and whispered something in Sophies ear.

'Please be a serial killer and plotting to murder me and Sophies just agreed to let him'

That memory seems far less funny now than what it use to considering the current circumstances.

Every experience seems burned into my brain, every thought, every memory - it's impossible to forget.

You know, when you find something out about someone you love - something you didn't expect, if it's terrible enough, it can almost feel like part of that person has died.

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