Gyakusatsu-BNHA

Chapter the Z E R O

In which death is inevitable.

Y/N POV

'...School. It's not like I don't already know all this stuff before. Who needs to write a three-page report on a book? Who cares how it 'influenced American culture'?? Whatever, I'll do it the night before and just bullshit my way through it like always. Time for that sweet nectar of the virgins, anime!'

I pull out my phone and click on YouTube Vanced, the one-stop shop for removing all the ads. All of them, I mean it, no bullshit. The AirPods secured in my ears thanks to Flex Tape®. Unbeknownst to me, someone was screaming for my attention. "Hey, kid! There's like a flaming piece of shit falling from the sky toward your sorry ass! Oh god oh fuck he can't hear us he has AirPods, the Bluetooth earbuds of the future, in oh god" And with that, I was fucking obliterated.

I blasely open my eyes to blank black. Sitting up and rubbing my head, I turn to see an oddly gremlin-like figure in a purple bathrobe drinking some juice while staring intensely at me. 'sluuurp.' well okay.

 "Hey wha-"'hog-like sipping noises' 

"No really who-"'vacuum-like slurping' I deadpan, motioning for em to continue on their merry venture of inhaling every molecule of matter from the local area.

"Oh, you're awake. Yeah, so a flaming piece of shit fell on you and you. expired. It wasn't technically what was supposed to happen (it was supposed to be Truck-kun in a few months), so you can either go back to your shitty normal life, go to some other world, or take door number three!" e says with all the enthusiasm of a prize-winning showhorse.

"What's behind door number three? I'm not choosing it, I just want to know."

"It's......a brand new car!" the figure gestures to nothing.

"That...that is not a car. That's a goat..."

"*UNREAL SIPPAGE*Sorry. Anyway, take your pick." kazooified Jeopardy music plays in the background while I deeply think. Just kidding, I immediately pick a different world.

"Well Boku no Hero Academia, obviously." I am anything but an idiot, where else would I go?

I immediately feel immense regret for ever thinking this sequence of words in a lawless land where people choose to ignore rhetorical questions. Just kidding, I love it when people comment the same joke repeatedly (lol)

"Great, just great. So, what 'quirk' do you want? Nothing too crazy, because then it would be boring and some Mary-Sue type shit."

I ponder this thoroughly. "How about a healing factor? Like Deadpool but without the cancer shit?"

"So not technically a quirk, more like an ability? This sounds like a condition you're only including because you have ideas for shenaniganous actions."

"Sure, and could I be a handsome guy-person?"

"Why the hell not! We're not on a budget! Guys are easier to write for some reason (even though I'm not one) anyway. This'll be Fun. And Entertaining. And you WILL enjoy it. Get ready!"

The figure smacks me in the head, and I pass out. In the background, I can just barely hear: and that's how you cook a raw chicken.

I awake to find yet another void. What the fuck is this? I want a refund! It's a fucking vejiana. You're not born yet. Obviously. Oh, it's you. How long do I have to wait? Any second now, probably. O H.

After about 30 minutes of horrible, unspeakable experiences, I taste my old enemy air once again.

"I'M BACK, BITCHES!" The doctors stare in slight fear at the newborn kid screaming loudly in perfect English. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Eh.