Beautiful

Bad At Love (3)

Kaycee.

After what seemed like forever, we finally got home. We unloaded our stuff and I breathed a sigh of contentment from being back as we headed in. Kylie, who was still half asleep, groggily announced that she was going upstairs to bed while mom and dad said they were probably going to stay up and watch a movie or something. They settled down on the couch, scrolling through their phones to find good ratings for a movie. Devon also made his way upstairs to catch up on some pending work from the week prior at his office. That left me and Sean.

He stared at me blankly, waiting for me to act on what I had said to him earlier in the car. I could literally hear the boy's heart racing. I gestured for him to follow me upstairs.

I threw my backpack on the floor and instantly collapsed on my stomach, adjusting to the comfort of my bed, as we walked in while Sean closed the door behind him. He pulled the chair from my study desk in front of my bed and placed his gentle yet firm hand on my back, which encouraged me to sit up and talk to him.

Doing what was silently asked of me, I sighed while he removed his hand off of me, and sat up in front of him, tucking the loose and staticky strands of hair behind my ear.

"You wanted to talk?" He cleared his throat. I knew he wanted to seem like he wasn't dying which was fair because I was trying to do the same. I took a deep breath in, promising myself that I would be okay.

Here goes nothing.

"IreallylikeyoubutIcantloseyou."

"What?" Sean leaned in, as if that was going to help him understand what I'd just said.

I shut my eyes, internally cursing myself for being so ridiculously childish. "I really like you but I can't lose you."

"And who the hell said you're losing me?" He half laughed in disbelief.

"I know you want to take things a step further, I get that. You've been crystal clear about your feelings, and I know you expect the same from me but I'm not like you, Sean. I have a hard time understanding my feelings and an even harder time expressing my feelings. Saying what I said to you the other day made me want to throw up because of how weird it was to say out loud. I really, really like you. But we're just so young and we're accomplishing so much as a duo and even as individuals and-",

"Kayc". He interrupted me and held my hand, making my insides melt. He squeezed it hard, and I could feel my face burning. I was rambling and he knew it.

For some deranged reason, tears had begun to form in my eyes and I fought every part of me that wanted to cry. Sean didn't say anything because he knew just how nerve wracking this was for me. I knew he was there to listen and to support, but I felt really guilty for not understanding my feelings and feeling so confused.

"If it's a no from you, that's okay." He assured me, but I knew that broke him inside. I ignited so much hope in that beautiful boy just two days ago, and here I was tonight, crushing all of it into pieces. This was enough for hot tears to instantly start streaming down my face. I couldn't fight it. Not tonight.

"It's not a no. It's not." I sobbed. "I'm just not an expressive person and I feel really bad that you're being so patient with me because you don't deserve this."

"Kaycee, that's not-",

"And why didn't you say anything when I told you how I felt?" I roared, squeezing his hand tighter out of sudden rage that splurged out of nowhere. "Why did you walk away from me? Damn, Sean. We've known each other for seven years and you couldn't bring yourself to even acknowledge what I'd said."

"I was caught off guard." He protested in a tone much calmer than mine. "I'm sorry. I should have said something. I regretted it right away."

I continued crying, letting go of his hand to cover my face with both my hands. I wasn't even sure what triggered these emotions inside of me, but something about Sean's gentleness broke my heart into pieces. I felt guilty, upset, angry and almost excited all at once. The feeling was so new to me. Sean deserved someone who wasn't as lost and confused as I was. He was much more patient than he should've been with me.

"Look." I sniffled, attempting with all my heart to stay composed. "I know that the whole world is trying to anticipate and analyze the bond that we share. And I know we tell everyone that we're best friends, which we are, but you and I both know that there's so much more to it. Sean, I look at you for half a second and that's enough for me to feel lightheaded."

He blushed slightly.

"But I don't think I'm ready to handle another label placed on us. I love that we're best friends, and I love that we're partners, but I'm not quite ready to move forward." I continued.

"Whenever you're ready, Kayc." He smiled slightly. "You'll ask me out when you're ready."

Delighted that he (as per usual) figured a way out to lighten the mood, I laughed and wiped my tears. "Yeah, we'll see about that."

"So...we're good?"

"We're good."

Sean awkwardly extended his fist out for a fist bump to which I rolled my eyes and instead reached out for the hug I knew he was longing for. "We're still best friends, Sean." I reassured him quietly.

He chuckled slightly before pulling away, and suggested that we could watch some Friends on my MacBook before we headed to sleep which instantly shifted my mood. Thank goodness we were back.

-xxx-

I woke up the next morning in a very uncomfortable position. My MacBook was pressed against my ribs, and I'm pretty sure that was going to leave a bruise. Three quarters of my blanket was on the floor, which was probably why my body was freezing cold. I groaned in pain, also noticing that I had slept with just one pillow tonight, which was odd because I usually slept with two. Oh, wait.

It all came back to me. I swung out of bed and there he was, on the floor, right beside my bed. Shit, he was probably a hundred times more in pain than I was. The poor boy tried to cover himself by dragging my blanket down and his neck was probably killing. I knelt down beside him.

"Sean." I shook him by the shoulders. "Wake up."

He stirred a little but was still sound asleep. I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Sean." I repeated louder, grasping his shoulders even harder. "Can you wake up please?"

He groaned loudly and begun to stretch his arms wide until he felt his shoulders release tensed up cracks. He winced in pain, and groggily opened his eyes, realizing he was on the floor. "What the hell?"

"I told you to go back to the guest room after we were done last night." I reminded him. "Of course you're going to be in pain now."

"I didn't think I would fall asleep here." He groaned, massaging his neck.

"Does it hurt?" I asked, genuinely concerned because my flooring was hardwood. "Do you want an ice pack or something?"

"I'm good." He said, lifting himself off the ground into a sitting position.

I felt really guilty again, not just because this boy spent the night on my freaking FLOOR but our conversation from yesterday came back to me and I couldn't help but feel that way. I shoved his hands away from his neck and did the job myself, to which he looked at me in surprise.

"What are you-",

"Shut up." I snapped, refusing to look him in the eye. I pressed down on his neck with my pointer, middle and ring finger and used my thumb to maneuver around his bones. "How lazy does one have to be to not wanna go down the hall to their room?"

He didn't say anything, but just looked up at me and smiled. I still couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him but my heart jumped to my throat, and there was that scary feeling of drowsiness again. My face started doing that annoying thing where it went really, REALLY red and I know he noticed because he had a smirk playing on his lips. Pretending like this was a completely normal thing for me to do, I kept pressing against his neck.

At that very moment, I found myself praying with all my life that I didn't fall harder for this boy because god knows how I'd live with myself if that was about to happen.

It did.

But we'll get there..

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