30. Too Much

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(Isabelle's POV)

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(Isabelle's POV)

All I can see is his face — even when I'm drunk, his memory still overtakes me.

I pull away, overwhelmed by everything and the memories of the last time I kissed someone. It was that day I was meant to leave, he kissed me and I let him, I should have pulled away and left — I could have and maybe if I had the courage to do that then, I wouldn't be messing with Zayn's life and moving away out of fear.

I know he'd never come after me, he's too much of a coward. He can call me and message me all he wants but that's just talk and I know, I truly know, that he'd never have the guts to hurt me. It's all been so worked up in my head for so long and now, I realize this whole situation is affecting other people's lives too, not just my own.

"Zayn... I-I can't..." I admit, shaking slightly, worried he'll be mad.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... I mean, I meant to kiss you... but I didn't mean to overstep."

"No, you didn't." I look down to my hands. "I just... I'm..."

I don't even know what to say. How do I tell him that I need to leave? How do I tell him that this moment has made me realize how selfish I'm being?

"I can't do this... this is isn't fair to you."

"What do you mean?" He looks so confused, the damage is already done.

"I can't force myself into your life and make you marry me... it's not fair for me to do. You had a life before me and I just came in and changed it... it's so selfish of me."

"No-no... Isa, I want you here... I mean... I want to be with you, I really do."

"Zayn... I can't put this on you..." I sigh. "It's not right. I'm sorry..." I say, opening up the door into the pouring rain to get out.

I need to get away, I need to go home and face my fear instead of running from it. This isn't about him, it's not fair for me to have gotten him so involved.

"Isa, wait!" I hear the door open and close again as he follows me.

"Please, Zayn... just go back home and tell your mom I'm sorry... I didn't mean to mess with both of your lives." I say, stumbling backwards slightly as I walk.

Maybe I'm a little more drunk than I thought.

"You're not being selfish... I want this as much as you do... maybe even more, I don't know! I care about you a lot, like more than I really know how to admit. Maybe this isn't the most... normal way to be with someone, but I care about you all the same."

"You have better things to do with your time than look after me... I have to deal with this on my own."

"No, you don't! You don't have to deal with any of this on your own, and you shouldn't!"

"So, you want to deal with me for the rest of your life?! I'll take up all of your time and you'll have to worry about me... I'll always be around and I know that you'll end up questioning whether you'd have been better off if none of this ever happened!"

"Listen to yourself! I want you to take up my time, I'll always worry about you regardless. I want you to always be around... Isa, I want to marry you!"

Suddenly, it feels like the sound of the rain pelting the sidewalks has gotten louder as our silence grows.

"I want to marry you, Isa... I want you to be in my life... forever now..."

"This all feels so forced... how can you know that?"

"Because... I just know. You care about me, I know you do. You're showing me right now. I want to be the one you need... I want to be the one who's there for you when you're feeling this way. I want you with me."

"You really mean that? You aren't just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I mean it... all of it..."

Maybe I am overthinking all of this. If he really does feel this way, then maybe it's right -- what we're doing, I mean. I don't have to marry him to get away... I can marry him because I want to stay with him. Something about that has alluded me before now.

"I-I want that too..." I admit, a little out of breath from yelling over the rain.

A soft smile and look of relief falls over his face as he walks over closer and wraps his arms around me.

"Don't doubt that ever again, okay?" He muffles softly into my hair.

This is what it's supposed to be like. We're supposed to be sure... and... I feel like I am.

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