We stand not far away from each other. Not sparing each other a single glance. His eyes fall on the pages in front of him as he takes hold of the pen and leans in to sign it. The process continues but, what I said was not believed.
"He raped me, sir."
"As husband and wife you of course have sexual actions. It's up to you to satisfy each other in those aspects as well. A husband can never rape his wife because it is his wife and not some random woman he met."
Just because he is my husband doesn't mean he can't rape me.
But, I decided to keep silent for the rest. I couldn't win this. I would only lose. And I already lost so much.
A home. A loving man. I lost so much, I didn't want to lose anymore.
Those eyes I loved to look into that used to be filled with stars were now empty when looking at me.
What did I do to deserve this, I ask myself every single day.
But, the answer to that question is. I did not deserve this. No one deserves to be treated like this.
I turn myself to him, taking one more look. Memories flood my mind as I stare at him, remembering that smile he used to carry. Where did we go wrong? I thought that maybe the answer would lie in his eyes. But, when he suddenly smiled at me.
I felt shivers run down my spine. That is not the man I used to know.
But, this time I wanted to speak up. Just one last time before erasing him.
"You know Jun. I used to love you so much, and I might still do but, I don't seem to have a reason to hold onto that love anymore. You have scarred me. You have destroyed me. But, I won't let anything else become a mistake. I will take responsibility as well. Because, I wasn't strong enough to push you back. And I hope that one day, you will realise what you've done. Not just to me. But, to the traces you left behind."
And, I wasn't sure of what I said that moment. I just let the words fall from my lips as hard as the one moment I fell for him.
And it was as if my body and mind already knew about its changes for the next months and years. And I hoped that things would get better. Not just for me but for what he left behind as well.
I somehow could tell what would happen next even if I wasn't so sure about it. I knew my body was changing already. And I was not going to stop it. I was not going to blame a new life for his deeds.
Most wouldn't want to keep it. But, I changed my mind and decided to not blame the child he now left me with. And I couldn't even take its life anyways. That is murder in some people's eyes.
I will not waste my time, love, money or words on anything anymore. I will treat it with care and be sure to keep my word.
You wasted years of my life. Millions of words. My feelings.
But, I won't waste the life you made me now carry.
I will not let that go to waste like you let me.
Honestly. It's sad that a lot of cases where rape is the main theme of... the woman almost never gets her justice. And let stand that the man even gets a decent punishment.
And don't get me wrong. There are those who do get punished. But, most don't. It's disappointing.
I'm not even sorry for the pics.
I had to take a moment for this.