After doctors finally released me from the hospital, they urged my mom to always have constant watch over me. So, she had Amy help her take the door down from my room. Yay for privacy, right?
I also have to take two huge pills every day just for my mind to be able to work correctly. I never knew someone could be so majorly messed up that they had to have pills to constantly make them happy. Yes, I've been sad before in the past. I've been lonely. But thoughts of hurting myself or suicide never once crossed my mind, and it's crazy to think that I'd rather be dead than be in the situation I'm in right now.
Many people every day suffer from a broken heart, but I think my situation is much worse. See, not only did my first ever love break my heart - he cheated on me. And that first love? He happened to be in my favorite band. I can't listen to my favorite band anymore without remembering him and our past. I hope one day I'll be able to surpass that feeling because not being able to listen to your favorite music honestly sucks so much.
I get up from my spot on my bed, and decide to shower, letting the scorching hot water run down my body. Wouldn't that be a great headline?
Girl burns to death from hot shower.
I have my first psychiatrist visit today with a woman named Kendra. My doctor reccommended her to my mom because she's seemed to help with things like this in the past.
Once I'm out of the shower, I pull my hair up into my towel. I place my hands on my hips as I decide what I want to wear to my appointment. I have no motivation whatsoever to look good, at all. I decide on a pair of sweats and my All Time Low sweatshirt, and my black vans. Simply and comfy, good enough for some dumb lady to talk to me in.
I roll my eyes to myself as I take my hair out of the towel, carefully combing through it and deciding to let it air dry.
"Mom, I'm ready!" I call out.
"Okay, Amy's on her way, she's taking you." My mom calls back, and I walk into the living room, sitting down on the couch to wait for Amy.
When Amy arrives, she doesn't even knock, she just walks right in. She gives me a big smile and wraps me in a warm hug. "Hello, love," she mumbles calmly into my ear. She lets go of me and then looks me in the eyes. "Ready?"
I nod and give her a small smile, before walking outside with her and climbing into the passenger seat of her car. Most of the ride is silent, and once we pull into the lot, she stops me from getting out and speaks.
"You know, your mom and I were thinking of getting you your own flat." She says with a smile, and she chuckles as soon as she sees my face light up at the thought of having my own place. "But, we wanted to make sure you were okay before we let you go out on your own. That's why we're doing this. As soon as we see progress, we're going to start looking." She says and rubs my shoulder.
I bite my lip and look down at my lap, figeting with my hands. "Thanks, Amy," I say and look up at her with a smile.
"Alright, get going, you're gonna be late," She says and shoo's me out of her car. Standing outside of the building, it begins to sprinkle lightly - not surprising when you live in London - and I walk up the steps and into the small building.
I walk up to a receptionist at a desk. The old lady looks up at me through thick glasses and gives me a warm smile. "What can I do for you, young lady?" She says to me. Her voice carries a thick American accent.
"I'm here to see Kendra?" I half tell her, half ask her.
"Ah, Raven?" She asks with raised eyebrows.
I nod quickly and she gets up from her seat, and motions for me to follow her. We begin to walk down a small hallway filled with tons of pictures of families and children, and soon we stop at a glass door. She carefully knocks, and a woman sitting at a desk on her phone motions for me to come in. The receptionist opens the door for me and motions me in, and then closes the door, leaving me standing in the middle of this spotless room.
"No, I don't care if your son thinks I didn't help him, we went through ten sessions and I want my damn money, lady." She yells through gritted teeth through the phone. She rolls her eyes at whatever response she got. "Well, that's not what he said when he was bawling his eyes out to me telling me about everything." She says. She takes in a deep breath. "Whatever." She says and clicks the phone down onto the reciever, looking up at me with a smile.
"Hi, Raven," She starts. "Come sit." She says and motions to the big, fluffy chair in front of her desk.
I follow her directions and sit, instantly sinking into the comfy material.
Kendra stares at me for a bit, and then smiles. "I've heard a little of your story, but woud you mind elaborating on the subject?" She cocks her head to the side, and stands up from her desk, sitting next to me on a small stool as I tell her my story about Luke. She nods and hums occassionally during my story, listening intently, never interrupting me.
After I finsh with a sigh, she continues to nod, and gets up. She opens a drawer from her desk and pulls out a notebook. Walking over to me, she slaps the notebook down onto my lap. She sits on the edge of her desk and points at the object in my lap. "Know what that's for?" She questions me.
"No." I say, looking confused between her and the notebook sitting in my lap. I flip it open only to find blank pages.
"I want you to write letters to Luke." She states as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Uh, I don't think I can do that. I can barely speak to him now without breaking down," I say and scrunch my eyebrows together at her. How could she even suggest something like this?
"That's the thing, sweetie, you don't send them. You just write whatever you want to write to him, and keep them all in that notebook. Date them, of course, you're going to want to know what day you wrote every letter when you look back on these." She explains.
I nod my head, still unsure of this idea. "Everyone always tells me I shouldn't think of him, though," I say with a sigh.
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "They don't know shit. Excuse my language, but really, babe, not thinking about him is just going to make it worse. Your mind needs to be able to except what has happened so that you can move on and be happy later on in life." She says with a side-smile.
I nod and open to the first page in the notebook, staring at the blank page for a few moments, before a pen lands on top of the page. I look up to see Kendra standing over me.
"I'll help you with the first one." She says and takes a seat next to me on the arm of my seat. "Tell him about this visit and about how you're going to be writing letters to him." She says, and I begin to write, my thoughts instantly flooding the paper until my hand starts to hurt.
yes there will be an epilogue, i'm gonna start working on it tomorrow :p