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Pen Your Pride

16.

73 4 0

-Michael-

Two weeks, six days, four hours, and thirty seven minutes. That's how long it's been since Calum attempted suicide. Two weeks, six days, four hours, and thirty seven days since my life came to a halt.

"Mikey?" I looked up, to see Luke holding a cup of coffee. I shook my head and pushed the cup away.

"You haven't slept in days, I'm starting to worry about you. Go home, take a shower in your own shower, take a nap, eat some food, then come back tomorrow." Aston said, rubbing circles on my back. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should just go home and stay there. Why should I care if Calum dies? He brought it upon himself to take his life.

No matter how hard I tried to Be mad at him, I couldn't. I didn't blame him to be honest. But I thought we were doing better, making progress. "Okay." I mumbled, getting up and walking to more car without saying another word to Ashton or Luke. When I got to my car I turned the radio off and drove in silence. It was 6 o'clock so I was stuck in the traffic of people getting off from work.

I finally got home and slowly unlocked the door. This was the first time I had been home since this whole mess happened. Luke had came and got my stuff. I laid my keys on the kitchen counter and hung my jacket on the back of a chair. I felt like a zombie. Like I was too emotionally exhausted to do anything. I walked into Logan's room and my eyes landed on the empty pill bottle in the floor. I pictured myself destroying this room. Breaking everything in it. But what would that solve? Nothing. Nothing could fix this. I slid down the wall, in the exact some spot I had sat in two weeks ago.

-

"A monkey!" Logan laughed as Calum jumped around. The power had went out so we were playing charades in Logan's room.

"Good job your turn." Calum said sitting down in between my legs, and leaning against my chest. I shown the flashlight on Logan's little figure. He held up three little fingers and started lip singing.

"Three words..." I giggle watching him sing. He held his hands up like a gun, laughing.

"Guns N' roses!" Calum shouted, causing Logan to laughs even more. "Okay I think it's time for you to go to bed." Calum sighed standing up and sponging Logan around.

"Dada I'm-" yawn "not tired."

"Whatever. Goodnight bud, I love you." I said kissing his cheek and turning the lights off. Calum followed me into the dark living room. "Now what?" I smirked.

"Mmmm what do you want to do?"

"I think you know what I want to do." I said stepping closer to him.

"No I'm tired." He turned his head, making me kiss his cheek.

"Hey!" I laughed.

"I'm going to take a hot shower." He started walking towards the stairs. He got to the bottom of the stairs and turned to look at me. "Aren't you going to join me?"

"You can't take a shower the powers off. You don't have any light."

"Exactly."

-

How did it end up like this? It's sad that I live a life that the hardest thing to do is take breaths to stay. It's crazy how quick your life can change. One second you're taking showers in the dark with your husband and the next you're burying your son. It's a horrible, to live in fear. You know it's bad when you can't ever be happy because there's a voice in the back of your head reminding you of how fast it can be taken from you. What did we do to deserve a thing like that?

I didn't just lose my son I lost my husband. I didn't know if we'd ever get past it, and now I'm positive we won't. Even if he wakes up, it will never be the same. I'll never get to dance with him anymore, or go to another concert with him, or even hold him one more night. I took the good times I had with him for granted. I didn't appreciate the little things we did together, because at the time I didn't know they mattered. But they do. Little things like the way his lips form when he tells me he loves me, or the way he chased me around the house just to stick my tag in my shirt; they're the things that matter most.

-

"Mikey." Poked my cheek and smiled down at me.

"Mmm?" I hummed.

"I love you." He whispered leaning down and pressing his lips to mine.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"I love you too, but why are you acting so sweet?" I asked rolling over in the bed and wrapping my arms around him.

"Maybe I want a...favor?"

"Anything." I mumbled into his neck.

"I want a baby."

I looked up at him, sort of shocked. The moon shining through the blinds, was casting shadows across his face. He was picking at a loose thread on our bed spread, avoiding my eyes. I had never thought about kids, but maybe I should have. "Okay." I said staring at his beautiful face.

"Seriously?" He met my eyes.

"Yeah." I laughed. "Seriously."

-

That was one of the best nights of my life. That's when I realized that I was starting my life with this boy. This Was the same boy, who I met in a mental ward. The same boy that wouldn't talk to me. The same boy who would sit there and stare at me from his bed and listen to me vent about my minor problems. The same boy who I kissed on the fire escape. The same boy I took to see One direction. And I thought that years from then we would look back at those times as the best of our lives. But we don't. We don't look back at them because it hurts. It hurts to see how happy we used to be, and to feel as bad as we do now.

But Calum, he looked back.

He looked back, and the good times got to him. And when they sink in, it's like poison, deadly.

-

A/N: my hand hurts. Sorry for not updating in forever. Um this isn't edited so sorry for mistakes. Thanks for 300 reads! Love you guys :)

Morgan x

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