Chapter 17- Polaris

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After Murphy leaves, Clarke leans her head against the wall and closes her eyes.

Remember.

She thinks, sifting through every part of her mind. Trying to connect dots to come up with some memory. She usually doesn't remember nightmares. And she never remembers blackouts. Why? What happens in them that she can't remember?

As she searches through her brain, a quick fleeting moment passes through her head. It almost feels like not her own memory. Like it's someone else's.

On the prisoner ship, in the cryosleep room. The cryosleep chamber before her has a girl in it. A young one, with gorgeous long dark hair and underneath her closed eyelids, are beautiful clear blue eyes.

And as the cryo chamber opens and the girls eyes open, there is a recognition in her eyes.

Clarke opens her eyes to the present.

It's her memory.

And Clarke realizes with a jolt of horror that she had been supposedly "asleep" when Madi was kidnapped from the prisoner ship. That Clarke had felt she had some nightmare that night but didn't remember it.

She can't remember blackouts. So how does she know if one starts but no one is around to tell her she was gone?

Her breath hitches. Clarke had taken Madi. Probably out of her motherly instincts, even in a blackout, her initial instinct would be to go for Madi. No matter the cost.

What if she had hurt her? What Clarke had cut her?

She'd never forgive herself for that.

She's moving before she can think, pushing herself up onto her head and then clambering out the window. She pulls the hood of Bellamy's guard jacket over her head, concealing her hair and casting a shadow over her face.

But before she can even take a few steps, a voice that sends chills down her spine interrupts her. "Clarke?"

Clarke whirls around. "Octavia?"

Octavia stands there, not in her grounder clothing anymore. Clarke is surprised at that small detail. She didn't think Octavia would give up her cape for anything. Octavia leans her weight on one foot.

"You look afraid." she states.

Clarke pulls her hood back. "Not at all."

Blodreina's eyes narrow. "You just climbed out of the window. I'm assuming you're running from something?"

Clarke bites the inside of her cheek. And the idea dawns on her. If anybody would know how madness affects solidarity, it would be Octavia.

"Octavia," she begins, carefully choosing her words. "As much as I despise you, I think you could help me..."

"And?"

"And... I have a gap in my memory." Clarke says, wiping sweat off of her forehead. "The gap takes place right when Madi would have been kidnapped."

Octavia stares for a long time, before laughing mirthlessly. "Wanheda losing her sanity! The irony."

Clarke glares. "Did you- have you ever experienced anything like that?"

Octavia crosses her arms. "No." she states calmly. "I was always aware of my actions. I made that choice for myself."

Clarke ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes flit around until they land on Octavia once more.

"I need- I need to find answers." Clarke stutters.

Octavia grins. "You know what, I might know how."

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