Psychoanalysis

Chapter 2 || Choices

'Dashayla pov'

What was I even supposed to say? That I'm disgusted by my son? Because I'm not. I'll love him regardless. However, my decision will decide whether our relationship is a healthy or toxic one. Heaven or Hell, High or Low, Life or Death. I of all people should know how crippling a single decision could be and how it can slowly eat at a person till they're empty.

-
I gulped at the foreboding figure in front of me, eyebrows creased in displeasure as she waited for me to speak.

"I believe I have depression."  I stated as if it was a casual topic with nothing unusual.

There never had been a time where the silence was near unbearable for me. Yes we were always on the end of two different spectrums, always arguing one sidedly like mine didn't need any acknowledgement, however, a silence never lasted this long. We would normally be back to playing house, smiling just to seem happy when the invisible bond wasn't there.

"I bet she won't accept it, I know how she is. A flimsy belief in a someone who doesn't ever consider my feelings shouldn't hold my mind nor my heart, why do I even bother?" I thought bitterly.

My everlasting optimism perked up in a heated defense "No she is my mother."

"She is my tormentor."

"She loved me and raised me that much is true."

"What's true is that I was a mistake to be born, raised only to not be the fuck up daughter like her others were. I was conditioned to act a certain way and I wasn't happy. I was okay because I assumed the hole in my heart could be filled by someone who wasn't truthful in her emotions when I earned it." My pessimistic side seethed in disgust.

Since the silence started my facial expression didn't change, staying the ever playful smile in case this all fails. I fiddle with the handle of the mug, as my mind couldn't keep up with the constant back and forth. "She's thinking'that I know, she could believe me after that one trip to the guidance counselor...She cared at that time didn't she?...She believed then, so what's the difference between now and then, but it's my mother after all...when does she ever listen?"

"Stop being foolish, you are perfectly fine." She grimaced with disgust with a mixture of disbelief in her face.

I sighed as the worst outcome came true, sipping my cup of orange juice as my belief in her died along with her words, as I gulped down my bitter disappointment.

I took a deep breathe trying once again "Mama, I feel there is something wrong with me? Have you even noticed?"

"I noticed that time in middle school you were almost glued to your bed, but life is hard and yours isn't hard at all. So stop trying to self diagnose yourself, you have a good life so be grateful for what you have."

"A good life...is the fear and torment not enough to feel numb? To wish to die?  Or....Do you simply choose to be blind to the times I asked you for help and you left me to rot." I thought

"Mom, I'm trying to be grateful, I give myself a reason every day but it doesn't fill the emptiness within me. Just listen to the symptoms. Forgetfulness, increased or decreased eating habits, mood swings, loss of interest in activities,and ect, don't you see this in me?"

Everything on her face told me all I needed to know

She didn't believe me,and thats when she lost my trust.

-

My lips tighten as I allowed my emotion to show. If I were to trust anyone to date Ashley and to take care of William it would be her. I know her better than anyone else. I trust her.