Chicago

Chicago - Chapter 16

I began to hate rehearsal. I wasn’t eating much because of the constant sick feeling I had from stress and anxiety. The whole week before the show was based on constant yelling from our instructors and migraine headaches from my lack of food, water, and hope in this as a career. 

I pulled into the studio parking lot and walked into the studio. It was the day before the show and I could barely even see straight. My head was spinning with thoughts and mental pictures of hate tweets sent to me were stuck in my head. Every time I shut my eyes a new one would appear in my brain. I could see it clearly. I could remember everything from the exact wording of the phrases being said to the profile picture of the girl tweeting it to the amount of retweets and favorites to the username of the twitter user. My body wasn’t able to handle this new take very well. I stumbled into the studio out of the pouring snow and walked into the locker room. My head was throbbing with my daily painful migraine that I had learned to push through and cope with. I pulled out a small travel sized bottle of Advil and poured two into my hand, pulling out my water bottle and taking the medication that I had taken every day for the past week.

I changed into my costume and walked onto the stage in our studio. I began stretching on a bar backstage. Most of the other dancers just looked at me sympathetically seeing my pale white face and my body becoming more fragile and skinnier everyday.

Most girls would have killed to be in my situation. Niall was perfect in every way but I couldn’t live like this. At least not right now. I felt my head go dizzy and my eyes blank out and next thing I knew I woke up on the ground. My headache was worse than ever and Madame was standing over me.

“Allie, have you eaten today?” She asked me.

“Yes.” I choked out feeling my stomach churn.

“You look very sick. We called 911 the paramedics should be here shortly.” She said putting her hand on my head to test my temperature. I laid my head back down and looked up at the ceiling. Was this really happening? Did I really just faint the day before the show because of stress? I waited for the paramedics to arrive. They checked my heart beat and blood pressure and whatever else they have to do and basically said I was fine. They told me to get rest though and that was how I missed practice that day. They could tell I was under stress when I listed all my newest medications for them.

Niall picked me up at the studio because my mom was at work. He saw the pain in my eyes as I sat down in the car.

“I’m so sorry that the fans put you under so much that this happened.” He said and my eyes filled with tears.

“I’m not dancing tomorrow. I can’t. I’m not healthy enough to be able to dance for the next 3 weeks.” I looked at him as tears fell out of my eyes.

“You’re not?” He asked in shock.

“I can’t. The physical stress and mental and emotional stress have put so much damage on me that I can’t dance for a while. I may even need to wait longer than 3 weeks.” I sobbed. “I may lose my scholarship. I may lose my career. Your fans ruined my life, Niall. They ruined everything.”

“I know they did. I can’t say that it was not intentional because we all now their intentions were to make you feel terrible. If you don’t want to date me I’d understand. After everything that’s happened I wouldn’t want to date me either.” He said looking down at the steering wheel. We were still sitting in the parking lot of the studio.

“I don’t want to break up with you. Then they would win. I can’t let them win.” I said sadly.

“This is your dream. I don’t want to lose your one shot at the life you’ve always imagined because you were put under so much stress that you couldn’t handle being a dancer too and it made you physically ill.” He said looking at me with tears in his eyes. “I can’t watch you become sick over harsh words and stress. I can’t watch the person I love go through this because of me.” I watched as a tear slipped out of his left eye and I wiped it off his face.

“I basically won’t have a chance anymore. My lead role was given away, not dancing for 3 or more weeks could ruin my body and my technique and I already know they’re going to drop my scholarship when they see I can’t handle the stress.” I sighed.

“I’ll pay for you to go to college.” He said strongly.

“No you won’t. I won’t let you.” I said taking his hand.

“You deserve this. Maybe things aren’t going to work out now, but maybe they’ll work out once you’re done with college.” He sighed.

“Did you just break up with me?” I said feeling a physical pain in my chest.

“I’m sorry Allie. This is what has to happen right now. I hope things will change but this just wasn’t our time. We can try again when you graduate college. I’m still willing to pay for college if you need the money though. I feel like I owe you that after everything that’s happened.” He said looking me directly in the eye. I just nodded.

“Will you take me home now?” I asked him.

“Yeah.” He said looking back towards the exit of the parking lot and putting the car into drive and leaving. The ride home was completely silent until he pulled into my driveway but didn’t unlock the doors yet.

“This may have not been the right time, but I will do anything in my power to make this work in the future.” He said in a serious tone.

“Goodbye Niall.” I said with my voice cracking at the end as I broke into tears and opened the door of the car that he had just unlocked.

“Goodbye Allie, just know this goodbye won’t be forever.” He said getting a little choked up. I nodded and shut the door to his car walking into my house where I shut the door and basically broke down right in the front entrance as I watched the headlights of his car fade in the distance. It was over. The fans had won. I never had a chance when I competed against them I suppose. Although at that point in my life, they had ruined everything and I hated every single one of them.