Not Really There | FILLIE

sixteen - when i look at you

song - When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus

~"When my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I look at you"~

When he fell asleep, he could only see her. His dreams were filled with small fragments of her smile, her eyes and her flushed cheeks like his brain was trying to hold onto her image. Through the flashing moments, all he could focus on was how real she felt, how it felt so right for her to be trapped in his embrace and how wrong it felt when she faded away in front of him. He was determined to hold onto her for as long as the universe would let him, as if hoping that every second could prove to whoever controlled fate or whatever expanded beyond the universe, that they belonged together. Perhaps Millie didn't belong with him and perhaps he was selfish for thinking it, but he needed her more than he needed air to breathe. The oxygen felt useless when he felt like he was drowning every moment that she wasn't by his side. 

Finn opened his eyes, immediately knowing that something was wrong. Millie was on the other side of the room, her legs curled up to her chest as if she was trying to hide away from him. He frowned when her hands automatically wiped at her cheeks, a desperate smile crawling onto her face as if she really thought that he wouldn't notice her tears. He crawled closer to her automatically, hating how she flinched away from him as he sat in front of her on the floor, their legs not even brushing as if she was afraid to touch him. 

"W-What's wrong?" he searched her eyes, worry filling his own dark orbs. 

She let out a harsh laugh, shaking her head at him. "W-What's wrong? Are you kidding me, Finn? What isn't wrong right now? You tell me!"

He looked down. "M-Millie, it will be okay-"

"You tell me what is okay right now, because I sure as hell don't see anything as okay! I-I can't believe you're acting like I don't have any reason to be crying...like you can't see how messed up this even is."

Finn felt something painful tug in his gut, imagining how much it must have hurt for him to push her away, to tell her that he didn't want to keep trying. Sitting in front of her now, and seeing her so cold, it made something feel so wrong inside of him, like the world itself was starting to tilt from beneath him. He hated every inch of pain inside of her eyes, and how she would hardly touch him anytime he reached for her hand, as if she was afraid of how it would make her feel. While he was desperately trying to hold on to her, she seemed to think that it would be easier for both of them if she pushed him further away. This Millie was an entirely different one to the girl shivering in his arms last night, the Millie that held onto him as if she was afraid to let go. The Millie who told him about her stuffed rabbit with a floppy ear, and about all of the times she missed with her family and how she could never get those moments back. He almost wanted her to start bawling in his arms again, finding it easier to feel all of her pain instead of feeling nothing at all. He could take her pain, just not her absence. 

"L-Look" Finn's voice cracked, "I know that this isn't easy, okay? It is killing me to know that I could turn around any moment, and you could be gone. But you can't push me away like this, Millie...yell at me..kick me and scream...just d-don't look at me like that..."

"Like what?" her voice was small. 

He gulped. "Like you have already given up on us."

"There isn't an us! Finn...who are we kidding? You think that if you kiss me enough or if you hold me close, that everything will just work out? The universe doesn't work like that, and I am the person who should know that better than anyone."

"D-Don't say things like that" he argued but his voice was weak. "Don't talk about us like that, like we aren't even r-real..."

Millie was quiet for a long time, squeezing her eyes shut so that she didn't have to see his face staring back at her. There were no words for how heartbroken he looked, like the sun had collapsed into the sky and he was left with nothing but darkness surrounding him. His eyes were brimmed with tears and she could tell that underneath everything, he was angry. He was angry that she wasn't fighting for them like he was. Deep down she wanted to apologize, to tell him that she wished that they had all of the time in the world, that she would shout to the rooftops, trying to speak to any God that might exist. She would scream at the sky, holding his hand and refuse to disappear until the ground swallowed her whole, for she did not want to live without him. But all of that would be nothing.