*READ THIS PART AT YOUR OWN RISK* My Assault Story

25 1 0
                                    

I've gotten a shit ton of questions about my sexual assault and asked if I would ever feel comfortable talking about it on here considering nobody here knows who I am so here I go.

One last waning! DO NOT READ IF YOU CANT HANDLE SEXUAL ASSAULT STORIES OR GET TRIGGERED EASILY BY TRAUMATIC EVENTS!!!!

On August 19, 2017 I got invited to a party. I was just planning on staying home that weekend because I used to party all the time but that specific weekend my boyfriend at the time was visiting home from college. He was a year older than me so we rarely ever got to see one another. He ended up having too much school work so I decided to go to the party with my friend, we will call him Joe for the sake of privacy. It was a college frat party and I knew I could handle it because I don't get drunk easily, very very rare actually. I was wrong.

It's funny ya know, you're always told that what you wear affects how you are treated by a man. I was wearing boyfriend jeans that were loose, a long sleeve white shirt and an ACDC tee shirt on top with a pair of converse. No makeup other than my eyebrows a little mascara and some chapstick. So please explain to me why this happened because I've been questioning myself every damn day for nearly two years why what happened, happened!

I didn't drink much that night, in all honesty I had one beer and pretend to drink alcohol after that when in reality I was drinking water. I remember sitting on one of the three sofas talking to some other girl about a book that we both enjoyed then thats when it goes black and I go blank until the next day when I wake up at Joe's house. I thought I might've just drank more than I thought I did and thanked Joe for taking care of me.

Fast forward to November 10, 2017, aka the day when my world changed completely. I woke up at around 6:40 that morning because I wanted to sleep in a little more. at 8:56 am I went to the bathroom because my math teacher wouldn't allow us to have phones out or we would get a detention and Joe texted me.

The message read "Call me when you can. I cant keep this a secret from you anymore. I love you and want the best" I won't deny how much that freaked me out but I called anyways. I also won't deny that I really wish I didn't call and told him to go away. I wish.

Here's how the conversation went in a nutshell:
Me- Hey whats up
J- Never forget how much I love you. Promise me that
Me- *laugh nervously* shut up and go on
J- Im not joking. Promise me
Me- Fine! I promise I will never forget how much you love me and how much you mean to me. Go on now or *my teacher* will get suspicious
J- that last party we went to
Me- yeah? thanks again by the way for taking care of me and all. I don-
J- something happened that night. let me speak
Me- Yeah, I got too drunk. That's what happened *I laughed*
J- Stop making jokes *my name*! Some guy was on you! Touching you.

And thats when things went black again. Everything in slow motion. I could see everything but I couldn't hear or feel. The teacher sent someone to check on me. She went to help me up but I pushed her away. She was a girl that couldn't hurt a fly for she'd feel too bad. And I pushed her away extremely hard because I was terrified of her. But I got up, apologized, left my stuff-backpack, books, phone, EVERYTHING, and ran. Out of the school and into the woodsy area behind it to a place only I knew about. A hollowed out tree that my sister found before she graduated, and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the numbness came back and I went home. It was nearly 5pm at this point and my dad was pissed. But I didn't care. I went up to my room and stayed there.

Which leaves me to the next part.

On November 12, 2017 I decided to take my own life. I planned it out, making sure my dad wouldn't be home to stop me. Turned of all my electronics. Unplugged the wifi box and home phone. Then i did it. I won't go into details on what exactly I did because 1. I dont want to relive that and 2. quite frankly none of your business. Anyways, as you can tell, it failed and I was in the hospital for two weeks. I had my dad tell the school and my friends that I had an awful strep throat case. Apparently one that was so bad I was out of school for a month.

To this day nobody in my family, or other than Joe, my friend, and my therapist knows why I did what I did.

To this day I haven't spoken to Joe again.

He was supposed to be my best friend but when I needed him most he ghosted me. Thats right. After that phone call I tried to call and text him only to be hit with ignore and no response. Because he couldn't deal with the pain. He couldn't deal with the pain.

Im laughing. Really. Just not in the funny way and in the "what the fuck" way.

I was the one who was sexually assaulted but he was the one who couldn't handle it after keeping it a secret from me, leaving me in the dark, for months.

Another thing I find real cute and funny is that when I told my then boyfriend briefly what happened he saw it as me cheating. He called me a dumb whore because I wouldn't sleep with him but I'd let another guy touch me then hung up, got drunk, and lost his virginity to his ex who he said he had no feelings for. They've been together ever since.

But I'm the cheater, right?

ON to today, March 21, 2019. Nearly two years later and Im bawling my eyes out to share my story and bring awareness.

It is NOT your fault if you are a victim of sexual assault: boy or girl.
You did NOT cheat if you're in a relationship and if your partner sees it that way then they need help and you need to lose them.
It's okay to not be okay!

Here's a few numbers that can help if you want to keep private-
Suicide: 1-800-273-8255
Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Or my inbox

I love you all! Thank you for continuing to give me a platform to speak upon and letting me keep my privacy. I sincerely love each and every one of you.

Bye for now my lovelies.

My Online DiaryWhere stories live. Discover now