Drowning In A Shallow World

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As I said in the last chapter, I'm an INFJ. Briefly, I'll try and explain what it's like to be one of the rarer personality types. (These traits won't be unique to just my type, you can probably associate with some of them).

I don't just like something, I obsess

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I don't just like something, I obsess. If it captures my interest, I wanna know more about it, I wanna enthuse about it, smother myself in it. I want to fall in love with it.

The problem with this, is that when someone else tells me they share an interest for something I like, I set off "enthusing" and the other person promptly looks at me like I'm a weirdo. When I talk, I want to talk *with* someone, not *at* them, but I rarely find anyone who can come back at me with that passion and enthusiasm. I've been accused of being a snob, but I'm not looking down on anyone who doesn't share this passion. INFJs are commonly labelled "special Snowflakes" (that godawful phrase should be wiped off the face of the earth) who just want to think we are better than everyone else. Not true. I yearn for more people like me, I wish there was more.

Rare or not, this intensity sometimes intimidates others, which is why I keep quiet and don't reveal it most of the time. I've also found that my range of knowledge can make people feel inadequate. I've been asked, "is there anything you don't know?" YES! Rocket science, brain surgery, maths (I am useless with numbers), medical info, engineering, Japanese history etc etc etc. There's alot more stuff I don't know, than stuff I do. As I previously said, I just like to learn. The world is a really interesting place with so much history, culture and expression. I don't understand why anyone doesn't want to learn more. I don't share what little I do know unless I think it's helpful. I don't brag or show off. Yet I've mostly been made to feel like a swot or snob just for being curious about more than myself.

This passion and intensity makes me feel as if I'm drowning in a shallow world. It's common for INFJs to feel this. That isn't a critique or insult on people in general. I'm not thinking this passion makes me better than others who just choose to live differently. Their areas of knowledge are just different than mine. But it makes me feel incredibly lonely at times. I've got so much to share but never share it. So much of me is locked away. It's why I adore writing, because I can bleed parts of myself into my stories, and feel readers connecting with that.

I'd happily share more of myself in public if I didn't feel judged or criticised for being who I am. (I should learn to care less, harder said than done.)

Feeling everything intensely, if you're an empath, makes relationships hard. When everyone else seems to have less depth, less love for the world, it's difficult to connect. I'm keenly aware of how I can make others feel inadequate, just by being me. It's not intentional. I take that with me into any relationship, and it hurts.

My friend is an INTP, and we are hugely alike, no inadequacy felt by either of us. My mum is an INSJ, so again, hugely alike. My mum is, honestly, my best friend. But needing those rarer types in order to feel connection and fulfillment, makes the world a lonely place. 

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