我自己想不是一個中國人或菲律賓人

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i honestly dont even know what nationality i identify with anymore? like i was raised in a really traditional chinese family but was born and raised in the philippines

but english is the language that feels closest to my heart

but i go to a chinese-filipino school run by ppl who never agree. the government practically requires the whole "you are all filipinos" which i'll take, but it gets confusing when the conservative chinese higher ups and my own parents say "lol no youre chinese through and through"

and my chinese is shit?? like if i took a fluency test i'd only have a fifth grader's fluency when i'm supposed to have a middle school-level understanding of chinese. reading and writing's pretty good and listening's extremely good but speaking is crap. i know how the tones work and phonetics but it just comes out wrong from my mouth. blame it on the fact that our chinese curriculum is 99% lecture, memorize, regurgitate said memorized sentences, forget them to make room for the next lecture, repeat.

my filipino's the same? reading, writing, listening, all pretty good. speaking is just helLo pO akO si jUaniTa anG inA ni kuYa jojo

and it's not that im ashamed of either cultures? take this example my brother made - if you ever come across someone thats also filipino when abroad, youll probably share a lot of experiences and stuff but the moment you mention the government or transportation or what most people just go "w e    d o n t   t a l k   a b o u t   t h a t" bc it's so bad that it makes most people feel ashamed of their country

and most of my relatives speak a mix of the hokkien dialect and filipino, so the mandarin i learn at school is rendered almost unusable

it's just a mess over all and it honestly makes me a bit jealous of ppl who are born a nationality and really are proud of it

dont even get me started abt how i dont fit in with either

like im inherently "less chinese" when i go to china when in comparison to mainlanders? but w filipinos they take one look at my pale ass casper skin and go "bobong englishera to" and it's just a pain in general? idk i should be sleeping rn but i was up a little too late doing a project and my thoughts are plaguing me again hh

night

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