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"yoongi!"

I looked up, and instantly dropped the pills. I saw jin, frozen solid staring at me. I watched as namjoon pushed past him, and came over to me, observing my wounds. he looked at the pills.

"did you swallow any?" he asked, I shook my head. "good." I said. jin slowly began to walk over, and he shakilly reached out to me. I looked down at the orange water, and at my blood stained wrists. it felt like I was in a dream.

I couldn't close my eyes, but I couldn't speak. my body felt limp. jin gently held my hand, and brought it up to him. he used his other hand to ghost over the cuts. I stared at the water, trying to comprehend everything.

"why yoongi?" he asked. he looked at me with sad eyes, but my mouth was sealed shut. namjoon sighed. he took my hand from jin, and studied the cuts.

"yoongi, this is really bad. how did you manage to cut that deep... we might need to call an ambulance..."  he said.

my head shot up, and my voice stutterd out.

"nno.. dont.  tell them" I said slowly. namjoon let go of my hand, and looked under the cabinet for something to bandage me with.

"what? why not! yoongi this is really bad!" jin protested, but I shook my head.

"please just dont..." I said. namjoon walked over, and started to tightly wrap the bandages around my arms to stop the bleeding. jin left and came back with a pair of clothes for me. they both helped me out of the tub, and jin handed my the clothes. namjoon picked up the bloody razor on the floor, and stared at it as he walked out so I could change.

the left the door slightly open, just to make sure I didn't do anything while they weren't in there. I quickly pulled the dry clothes on, not blinking the whole time.

my heart felt like it was going to explode, and my whole body was taken over by the most horrible and exciting feeling. as if I was about to go down the first drop on a dollar coaster.

I took a breath, and slowly opens the door again. I didn't want to, but I had to. I felt so stuck. i didn't want the members to find out, but now they knew. I just wanted to run, but I knew they wouldn't let me do that. jin held my arm, and led me over to the bed, he sat next to me, and namjoon sat in a chair across from us.

seokjin held my hand softly, and I could feel them both staring at me. I didn't care to look up though. if I looked up and saw their faces, it would mean this was real, and that's the last thing I want right now.

namjoon let out a big sigh, and I saw him wipe away a tear he pretended wasn't dripping from his eye.

"yoongi..." he said slowly. "i... uh... god.." he said. jins grip on my hand tightened, and he looked at namjoon with worried eyes. namjoon swiped away another tear. "I'm sorry... I just... I didn't think I would... I never expected this..." he said. I turned my head away.

jin silently rubbed my hand, almost as if he was to afraid to talk to me. namjoon stuttered and tried to keep his composure.

"yoongi..  why? why were you trying to kill yourself?" he asked. I felt my stomach sink as he said those words. he couldn't hold back his tears any more, and he let out a sob, and burruied his face in his hands. I felt a hot tear drip down my cheek as well.

"after all these years.. I've known you for so long, how did you hide this from me? why didn't you say anything? I could've helped you?" he asked desperatly. I wanted to say somthing. I wanted to apologize, but my mouth just wouldn't open. I looked down fytger, trying to erase the image of his cryi bff face from my mind.

"please yoongi, talk to us..." seokjin whisperd. he started crying to. I felt him play his head on my shoulder, and he let my hand go so he could wrap his arms around me. his silence was broken, and he let all of his emotions pour out. " why didn't I see it? why couldn't I tell? why did it have to get this bad for me to notice? in supposed to be the care taker, so ehy? why did I fail at my job so horribly..."

"jin..." I said softly. I gently pushed him off of me, he looked a bit surprised. "im sorry. this isn't your fault. you didn't fail" I said.

" but yoongi, we did fail. we didn't see that you were hurting, and you ended up in that bathtub what would be happens if we didn't come there in time?" namjoon said.

"joon... please. you didn't do anything wrong. This is my fault, please don't beat yourself up over this." I said. more tears started to drip down my face.

" but yoongi, your my best friend! how could I have just stood by while you were... doing this to yourself?!" he asked. I looked down again from embarasment.

I pulled at my sleeves. no one had ever seen my cuts before, but now they had, and I never imaged how shamefull I would feel. I felt my face heat up. namjoon wiped away his tears, and cleared his throat.

"how long?" he asked. I looked away again.

" since I was 16..." I mumbled slowly.

"that long!?" he asked. "yoongi, how did you hide that..."

" i just wore pants" I said. " I didn't do it on my arms until just this week. maybe that was a mistake..." I said.

"no, no yoongi" jin said. " it's ok, it's good that we found out, now we can help you, right namjoon?" he said. his voice seemed doubtfull, but I could tell he was clinging on to the tiny hit of hope that he had. " do you want us to help you?"

I never really thought about that. getting help... I always assumed that I would be like this forever, and eventually off myself. getting help was never even a thought. a part of me wanted to say yes, and end this toruture, but another part of me... strongly disagreed.

you don't deserve help.

it spoke to me coldly. I shut my eyes, and wrapped my hands around my stomach, leaning over my legs. today had already gone so bad, but now the voice showed up while I was talking to my friends...

you don't deserve help at all. there only talking to you like this out of pity. if you died without them trying to help you, it ment they were bad people. they don't actually care about you, don't ever thunk that they do. if they didn't see you I'm sure they'd be more than happy with you taking those pills and dropping dead.

I started to pull at my hair, and felt that same sense of panic rising in me.

"yoongi! yoongi what's going on?" him asked worriedly, he stood up and walked cover to face me. he crouched down, and tried to look at my face. "yoongi, are you ok?" I shut my eyes tighter, trying to block out the sound of their voices. I let out one more desperate call before the voice' s venom fully took over.

"please, leave. I don't want you to see me like this"

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