Queen of Hearts - Vikings

Chapter 24

"Signy?" A gentle voice called out from behind me. I didnt move, I merely looked onward into the forest ahead. It was Kari. Surely she wasn't here to talk with me. There were only two reasons that she'd come and see her dear old sis and those were either to fight me or to lecture me about my outburst at Sigurd. "Don't ignore me, sister." She spoke again. The latter, it would seem. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing! You'll catch an illness!" She fussed, quickly running over to me with a blanket. I shoved it off my shoulders as soon as she placed it there, still only staring out into the trees with cold and lifeless eyes.

"You're not my mother, don't pretend to be." I replied shortly.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to if you stopped acting like a child!" She protested in return. I wasn't in the mood for this. It was the dead of night and I'd come out here for peace and quiet. I did not need her adding to the busy bustling of my brain.

"Just go away, Kari." I sighed, utterly unenthused.

"No! I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving until I know what's going on with you. The Signy I once knew never acted like this. You were always well mannered, calm, kind, full of hope. You saw the good in everyone and treated everyone as though they were family. You were loyal and protected the people you cared for fiercely. You didn't knock them down in the street. You have always been quiet, but lately your so withdrawn. What's happened to you? Why are you like this?" She questioned, sat so close that I could hardly breath.

I stood up, shoving her to the ground in the process, "Maybe I'm just sick of holding everything I feel in for other people!" I roared.

"Signy, you don't have to hold anything in." She whispered from the icy floor.

My eyes were ablaze now. I didn't? Who was she to say such a thing? "Really? I don't? All I ever do is look after everyone else! I'm sick of it! I'M the one who's taken arrows and swords for those brothers. I'M the one that helps Ivar when no one else will because his own brothers are too afraid. I gave up everything I ever had, everyone I loved to protect you and give you the life you wanted. I was tortured, raped, humiliated, torn away from my home. I was made to marry a vicious man that I didn't love while the man I loved was back in Kattegat alone. I was replaced by a girl who just killed the closest thing I've ever had to a mother! Floki won't even show himself to me, I hardly even see him anymore. I was forced to become a Queen and lead people but the thought of just waking up in the morning terrifies me! And you want to know why I'm so angry? Why I'm not this perfect little fucking girl?! I'm sorry, Kari, I really am. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for all of you. But right now, all I want is a moment to myself to breath. A moment to morn the woman who raised me. Is that acceptable to you?"

Kari only stared it, completely unsure what to say. I couldn't stop myself, all the words just poured out and I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried.

That was when someone cleared their throat from behind us. Kari jolted to her feet, glad that someone had allowed her a chance to escape this situation. I turned slowly, not startled by the onlooker. Ice met the ocean when our eyes met. Of course it was Ivar, who else would it be?

"I'll uhm- I'll leave you two be." Kari quickly scuttled away, holding her cheek from where she'd impacted the ground. I hadn't meant to hurt her like that. I really hadn't. It just sort of happened. A red mist descended and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I sat back down, like I'd been doing before the disturbance. I listened is Ivar crawled up next to me. Silence washed over us, circling through the dark air like a vulture over the rotting dead.

"She's right, you know." Ivar said finally. I turned to look at him, wanting to know what he could possibly have to say. Though I'd always been talented at comforting him, Ivar had never really been the comforting type. When I was a girl and I was terrified of dying, I'd awoken in the middle of the night and cried. When Ivar heard me crying, he came to see what was wrong. I told him, and his response was 'From the moment we're born, we're already dying. You'll die, I'll die, Floki and Helga will die. At least you're not dead yet.' He tried but I recall his words just making seven year old me just cry even more. "You have changed a lot." He continued, "But she's wrong if she thinks that all of this wasn't here before. You were already like this, you just didn't show anyone."

"Already like what?" I replied, irritated.

"Strong." He answered plainly. That simple word seemed to wash everything else away and, for a brief moment, I was certain that all the troubles in the world were non existent. For a second, it was just me and him there. Time could've stopped and I would've gladly welcomed it because, to be in that moment, would be to finally have peace.

I gently rested my head on his shoulder, a silent word saying that I was grateful for his company. The stars shone brightly in the distance and, again, that vulture of silence flew around us like it was waiting for the moment to end. I prayed that it never would.

"What do you plan to do now?" Ivar inquired. And, like that, the peace was shattered. I'd been avoiding that question desperately. For, the answer was one that I did not like. I didn't want to leave Floki or my friends, I didn't want to leave Ivar especially. But I had no choice now. I was a Queen, a Swedish queen. I would have to return to my people in Sweden. Norway was no longer my home. Kattegat was no longer my home. I had to make my new town my only home. The issue was that Ivar was my home.

"Ivar, you know the answer to that." I replied, my voice now barely above a whisper.

"You could raid with us. It doesn't have to end here. Instead of farming like my brothers wish to do, I think we should continue this raid. Who could stop us?" Ivar explained.

I looked at him sorrowfully. Of course I wanted to raid, to pillage, to remain beside him. But I couldn't. "Ivar, when I left to join you, I had only just become Queen. I have already abandoned my people for long enough. Other rulers will take advantage, I will be usurped. My town is vulnerable and I must return to protect them."

"I thought we were your people." Ivar answered. His words cut through my like a sharp blade.

"You will always be my people." I responded.

"Then why leave? If someone usurps you, we will take back your lands. I've heard of a town, a place called York. It is further North, closer to our lands. We could take it. With your forces, it would be easy." He spoke again, enthusiastic about his plans.

"I would want nothing more than to stay, Ivar, you know that." I sighed.

"Then stay." He retorted.

"I can't."