Katie Hills' Lesson of Recovery

Katie Hills: One

 

"Jesus Christ, Katie. You have to stop doing this." 

It wasn't that easy though. I couldn't just let the razor slip from my fingers and clutter down the sink now, could I?

No. It wasn't that easy.

Is there anything wrong with it though? I didn't seem to think so. It's just pain. 

It's a distraction, a sweet and sinful release that has me feeling guilty the morning after. 

People don't understand. Nobody really understands. Not Mum, not Dad, not Toby. Not even Nathan understood, that greedy bastard. Then again, does anyone really care? Why would they? It's not their life, it's mine. It's my pain, it's my flaw, it's mine. 

It's come to the point where I don't feel anything as I slice across this particular wound, which means it's old and has no use to me anymore. 

I move down my arm a little, finding a small area of my pale skin where there are no scars. It's untouched flesh, it's perfect. 

The razor is quick, I pierce the skin before dragging back as quickly as possible. I hiss as the skin is sliced, bright crimson blood blooms from the tear and I blink away tears that threaten to spill. 

"Katie? Are you in there?" 

I grit my teeth, of course my mother would have to knock on my bedroom door at a time like this. I stand and shove the razor in the bathroom cabinet before running the bathroom tap. "Just a minute, Mum!" I yell, "I'm just getting dressed!" 

I grab a band aid from the cabinet and place it over the fresh cut, I'd clean it later. I pull my sleeves down and wash the excess blood down the sink before turning the light off and shutting the door. "You can come in." I say. 

Mum enters the room, or attic. She renovated it last Summer and I've been up here ever since. It was my own little sanctuary, overlooking the neighbourhood and giving me a good amount of privacy. 

"Toby just left for school. Do you want to go today? I can drive you." Mum says. 

I sigh and sit down at my window seat. Mum seems to think I'm depressed. She hasn't seen the cuts or scars yet, so that's a bonus. Today was the first day of the school year. I was officially a senior. I hadn't been out of the house for the whole Summer and to Mum, that was a sure sign of depression. 

"No thanks," I murmur, looking outside. I keep my gaze on the Maple tree that sways with the wind outside. It's leaves had turned from green to molten gold and vibrant red. 

"Katie? Are you listening?" 

I look up, glancing at my Mum, "Sorry. What was that?" 

Mum sighed, running a hand through her chestnut hair, "I said...your father has gotten a new job in Michigan. We'll be moving there in two weeks, to a place called Manor Parks, it's a suburb there." 

I feel my jaw hit the floor, "We're moving? But school has just started!" 

Mum sighed, "Well you didn't want to go to school today. You haven't left the house all Summer, Katie. I think that a change of scenery will really help you get back onto your feet. Heavens knows why you've suddenly fallen into this pit of depression and heavens knows what will help you crawl out of it." And with that, Mum was gone, walking down the spiral staircase and out of the attic. 

I could feel it happening again: the stress, the madness, the anger, the shock. It was all one swirling emotion inside of my head that blocked off any logical thoughts and before I could stop myself, I was in the bathroom, razor in hand.

I grit my teeth, hissing through them as the pain ignites. 

Swipe, swipe, swipe. Hiss, hiss, hiss. Pain, pain, pain. 

Is this what it was like for everyone? 

Did everyone have this problem? 

The tears are uncontrollable, they slip down my cheeks and mix with the crimson, running down the drain. They blur my vision and the my arm is on fire and it's all too much. 

Katie...Katie..."Katie!"

Sorry this one is so ridiculously short.