I'm Sorry (Angst; Shuichi x Kokichi)

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|Warning|
This contains: depression, anxiety, anorexia, grief, angst, Saiouma angst, sleep deprivation
Reader discretion is advised

/äNG(k)st/
Noun
A feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about human condition or the state of the world in general.
Every thought is a battle. Every breath is a war, and Shuichi didn't think he was winning either anymore. After Kaede's died, he's been dealing with severe depression and anxiety. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone, but not lonely. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzing numb.

A short while after the detectives friend's, Kaede Akamatsu, death, Shuichi hasn't been eating, sleeping, or drinking. After he finally started eating and drinking and sleeping, he seeked comfort in the Ultimate Supreme Leader's arms, later on dating.  One day, on a warm day in the school, he saw Ouma..with Himiko..heartbroken, he ran off and locked himself in his room. He sat on his bed and cried himself to sleep. After that, Ouma ended things leaving Shuichi alone. Again. He sat in the darkness of his room, staring at his grey stone walls when he heard the door open.

It was Ouma. "Hi Shuichi..." he said softly. "What do you want...?" Shuichi asked, hurt in his voice. "To apologize.." he said in a quiet tone. "I saw you with Himiko about a week before you ended things..I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper 'I'm fine' when you asked me if I was okay. Do you know how much that hurt me..?" He said tearfully. The leader felt himself bite down on his lower lip rather roughly as he heard the words the mess of a detective were saying.

Yeah, he did feel guilty about what he did...it was a mistake to say the least. At the time he thought it was the best thing to do, but now that he was here, he realized he was more then wrong. Could he play it off? No, Shuichi would never be able to see through him anyways, and apart of him wanted to make things better, weird right? Usually, he wanted to make others hate him, or at least annoyed with him...but he didn't want the detective to hate him. He'd have to tell the truth this time. But was it really the right thing to do this time?

He'd find out soon enough. He found himself slowly inching into the others room, his expression unreadable and almost dull. He had to hide the immense guilt somehow, right? "I'm..sorry..." the boy found himself saying rather quietly, finding it a bit difficult to raise his voice any higher then that. "I thought it was best for you to be alone and figure things out. You were so upset about Kaede...I know you cared about her a lot. But every time I tried to help you get over her death and be at peace with it you refused! We even got into an argument about it once...so I thought you should figure things out on your own."

He stopped for a second, hesitating to say anything further, not wanting to hurt Shuichi even more then he already has. "And I didn't leave you for Himiko. I just can't see her anything more then a friend..." Kokichi let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his neck in the process. "I did kinda use her for my own...selfish reasons. To get over you. Looks like that didn't work very well huh..." Tears fell down the detectives pale cheeks. "You don't get it...she was the first person I saw when we first came here-hell! She was my first friend in general! I've been neglected by my parents my entire life and I had no friends until Kaede-then she ended up dying. It's hard to get over you first friends death, Kokichi. And when you left me it just hurt even more. I missed you...a lot. It hurt so much when you left."

At this point, the young detective was sobbing, looking at the leader with more and more tears streaming down his face. "Every day I would ask myself if I did something wrong or if I was just plain out unloveable. I started not eating, drinking, or sleeping again. It was so hard." He looked down at the ground sobbing. Wow...he really messed up didn't he? The leader felt himself wince as he heard the detectives loud sobs, as the guilt started to slowly build up within him. In fact a part of him wanted to comfort the detective and hug him tightly until he stopped crying, but he knew more then anyone he had no right to do that right now after what he did to Shuichi.

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