Chapter 16

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I felt like I am in the middle of the sea and I am drowning. There was water all around me. It was dark, and it was cold. I am scared. I want to get out, but I can't move my body. I wanted to cry for help, but no sound comes out of my mouth. The water is sucking me slowly in its depth. I can't see the sunlight above, and I can't use my hands to swim upwards. I am trying, but It feels like I have no energy left in my body. Help me! I wanted to say, but nobody is there to listen to me. There is something heavy tied to my legs. Heavy metal rusted chains with the huge weight attached to it dragging me into the water in the dark. I was trying to get rid of the chains tied to my legs, but I can't.

My eyes are blurred I can't see properly, but above me, above this dark sea, I can feel there is sunlight. There is a boat there some people sitting in that boat. Who are they? They are calling my name.... Is that Vitor? Caesar? Mumma and Pappoús? My friends? My whole family? What are they doing there? Why they have their hands in the water? Why are they calling my name? Riri hold our hands, please? We will pull you up. Reanna, please try and hold our hands? Get rid of those chains and weight. See how beautiful the world is here. It's warm with sunlight. You always love sunlight sweetheart. Please don't go inside. We need you, please. I tried to move my hands to touch them, they are not far away, but I am paralysed I can't even feel my fingers.

I looked down where those chains are taking me, sounds coming from the dark... Enrique? His betrayal? My shattered beliefs? My broken trust? My failed projects? My terrible memories ... Reanna come to us. They don't need you. They don't understand you. There is nothing left for you there anymore. You will only get pain and hurt there. Come to us. It's cold; it's numb you feel nothing here. That's how you want to be so no one can wound you ever. Just let go don't try and struggle these chains will smoothly bring you to us. You don't have strength now. Don't fight us. Give up now.

I was scared I don't want to go down there, but I can't help it those chains pulling me slowly but surely in the depth of the tunnel. I looked up to the boat with people with their hands. I cannot see their faces properly how I can trust them? But I want to... if only I had some strength... but my mind, my body nothing is supporting me it's like they are dead, they are not listening to me... I wanted to shout I want to come out I want to see the sunlight I want to feel warm ... help me; I wanted to swim up I wanted to move my fingers... but those chains tied to my legs are too heavy, and they are sucking me in I won't be able to get out of it I don't have the strength I don't have the will, and most importantly I don't have my faith in me anymore now...

This is how I feel now and it's just a matter of time when I will ultimately be in that darkness.

I went to the church, feeling extremely alone. Nobody was there, so I was crying ... I was crying my heart out ... everything I believed in has crumbled into pieces I don't know what to believe in any more. Like any normal person, I also had my values, my personal beliefs that I had developed throughout my life. My family, friends, faith, community, love, relationships and the experiences I have had all contributed to my sense of who I was and how I view the world. But today all those beliefs are shattered. I don't know who I am anymore and what is right or wrong anymore.

But who I am? Can someone tell me where I stand? Can someone tell me If all that I held dear have any value at all? Can someone tell me which road should I take now?

I fear to dream again ... I am terrified to think about falling in love again ... I am scared to trust someone again with my feelings ... I am afraid if someone again destroys my heart....

I don't know who I am anymore now ... am I that moon who shows a path to strangers in darkness or am I that dark night ... Am I a raging fire or Am I those ashes whose burnt away ... am I drop of water who anyone can change or am I an uncontrollable wave of the ocean that no one dares to come in front of... Am I a peaceful retreat or am I an unleashing storm ... does my existence really matter ...

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