Toxic Lips [l.h]

s e v e n t y f o u r

I want to die.

"God, it hurts," I sob into Elise's chest. "I miss him so much it physically hurts!"

I feel their arms around me as I continue to cry. My mother runs her fingers through my hair, but it doesn't calm my. My breathing is fast and I almost feel like I'm going to pass out.

"I miss him so much," I cry, my cheeks completely soaked in salty tears. "He promised me he'd see me again, he promised me!"

"Oh, Allie."

"Don't call me that!" I scream. "I had this hope that maybe he'd be somewhere, waiting for me or some shit like that, but I was wrong... A tiny part of me believed that any day he could maybe come back, but... but he's not. He's gone, it's over."

"You don't know that, Alaska--" 

"I do know it!" I say, sitting up straighter. "That paper... that paper was explaining why he didn't tell me he knew what would happen to him, I know it. It was.... It was a goodbye; a goodbye he didn't put in the journal."

I feel so much pain consuming my body as I try to wipe the neverending stream of tears from my eyes and cheeks.

"Alaska," Elise whispers as she wipes away my tears.

"He's gone," I repeat, my voice getting louder. "He's dead. He's dead and gone and I'll never see him again. He's probably still dead in that fucking alley!"

I gasp for air but my lungs are weakened by the pain of my los, my fear of being alone hitting me like a tsunami. Now that Luke is gone, I have no one. Of course I have my family, but I have no one in my life like Luke. No one so lovely and sarcastic and simply beautiful like him.

"It's over," I repeat, putting my head in my hands. "He's gone--"

"Alaska, stop it!" I fall silent at Elise's voice, looking up quickly, astonished at her forccefulness.

She stands, facing me, her own eyes watery.

"You have been so lucky to fall in love with someone as lovely as Luke. I never met him, but from how you talked about him, he really loved you and you loved him. Except, what baffles me about this whole thing is that you haven't looked for him, Alaska! You've closed yourself off and became this moping, sad person these past months when you know Luke would be slaving away day and night to find you if your positions were reversed."

I part my lips to speak, but Elise holds up a hand to silence me.

"Find him, ask around, and don't give up until you're either back in his arms of standing at a gravestone. You can't give up on him, Alaska, when you know he'd never give up."

She's right. I've been in this state of shock for these past five months, I guess I didn't want to face the truth-- good or bad. And I know Luke would search for me relentlessly if it were me that was shot. Why is it not a two wat street?

I've been such a fool.

"Love is abstract," my mother says quietly. "But at it's best, it is truly beautiful."

I looka t my mother in shock, remembering how Luke said almost the same thing months ago, the day Tyler and I broke up.

"I've never been in love," I say.

"You're lucky."

I lock eyes with him. "You've been in love?"

Luke takes a deep breath before turning his head to look out the window. He nods slightly. 

"What happened?" I dare to ask.