February 10, 2019
I think I was innocent once...a few years ago. I mean, sure, I probably knew too many things or experienced things I shouldn't have yet, but I still had that naivety most kids have. It was ruined that night when I woke up with barely any clothes and a guy standing above me. That man being a trusted family friend, a religious figure too. That man ruined religion for me, therefore ruining my life for me. See, just a few months before that, I got baptized. I was at the peak of my life. Then that happened...then my organs started to fail due to displacement caused by scoliosis. I was told I needed surgery but as a last ditch effort my dad wanted me to go to a "hospital" in India. I think that's when I developed an eating disorder. I missed my period for three months and was convinced I was pregnant. I later found out that I missed it because I was anorexic. After my surgery I didn't eat a meal for a month. I survived on strawberries and grapes once a day. The rehab process was hell and I, of course, got addicted to the Oxycontin I was prescribed. Clearly everything negative possible happened to me within one summer. I think that was the point when I started getting suicidal thoughts. I'd get them in middle school too but those were just silly "oh no I'm being bullied" suicidal thoughts. I actually wanted my life to end. I couldn't look at knives or pills without those urges anymore and I still can't. I was able to hide all of this for three years till my parents found out. My close friend interviewed me for an anonymous part of the school newspaper. The school found out and contacted my parents. They knew I had depression but never took it seriously. A year later they took me somewhere to get diagnosed and I had severe depression and an anxiety disorder. My daily life wasn't safe for me or people close to me because I was a little homicidal too. The people there wanted me to live there for therapy for about two months. I decided that I could get through things on my own because I didn't want to lose two months of my life. But then I thought about everything and realized that I have lost years of my life to this thing that I've let control everything about me. I can't even use public transportation without freaking out. I don't remember ever truly trusting anyone. Seriously, I sometimes think my own family is out to hurt me. Maybe one day I'll get over everything. Anyway this is just the major points... I might fill in things eventually.
