Guardian Angels ✔

40 - Walls

The front door slammed shut. Sighing, Alex inhaled the smoke. Only now she realized how selfish she had been. Mila was right – Alex had used her, only to maintain Shane's image. Everything else had just became harder and harder. Ever since the elimination of the Russians – the first club murders she knew about – she had wanted to protect Mila from the club's true nature. But it didn't work. Keeping Croweaters away from her couldn't be Mila's only reason to visit the clubhouse. Alex didn't know how to solve that problem now, but she didn't want to keep her on a leash for that reason alone. She deserved something better than just showing up whenever Shane needed her. As soon as she got her top rocker, she would make things right with Mila. Then she wouldn't be so closely involved with the club anymore – she would be Juice's old lady at most, if that really lasted that long. Her friendship with Mila had always been strong, Alex was convinced that Mila would forgive her one day. Furthermore Mila's ties to the club only endangered her. Although she doubted that a cartel would go after a prospect's girl, it was better to keep the risks to a minimum. 

The back door opened and a few seconds later Juice sat down next to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Hey... you okay?"

His worried tone annoyed her and she turned away her upper body, so his arm slid off. "I'm fine." She stood up, walked to the kitchen and poured herself a whisky. 

Her jaws tensed as she heard his footsteps behind her. "You're not fine."

"As long as you don't find me in a forest with a chain around my neck, I'll manage."

She didn't look over her shoulder, she didn't need to see the hurt look in his eyes. It was a blow below the belt, she knew that, but right now she just needed some distance and that worried boyfriend act was annoying as hell. She already braced herself for an outburst and was stupefied when his arms slipped around her waist from behind. He pressed his lips against her neck, right above the collar of her cut. "I'm not that easy to scare away."

His grasp around her tightened and the soft touch of his lips made her shiver. Still anger flared up and she turned away from him. By reflex, she lashed out her elbow to him. Juice took the hit effortlessly and pushed down her arm. 

"Calm down." There was a stern look in his eyes, one she had never seen before. His fingers held on to her arm tight. "You don't have to put on that brave face around me." The features of his face softened a bit, but his grasp didn't weaken. "When you're with me you can drop that tough mask, Alex. You can be yourself. You have comforted me I don't even know how many times, let me do the same for you."

Alex snorted. "This is who I am. This is me."

"No. This is who you pretend to be, so nobody sees how broken you are."

She tore away her arm and stepped back. "Bullshit. Don't project your own crying jags on me, hoping that you don't feel so much of a loser. I'm not a mess like you."

"Fuck you, Alex," he answered with a grimace. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you on your period or what?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Just go home. Playtime's over."

"I'm not leaving before you tell me what's going on. One moment we're makin' out and the next you freak out."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not freakin' out. You're just gettin' on my nerves now. I told you I was fine. Just accept that."

"Of all the lies you have told me, this one is the most transparant," he huffed. "Man, in a few days you have been raped, shot, you saw that I was about to kill myself, you found severed heads and you had to expose your secret to two people.. of course you're not fine!" Breathing in sharply, he ran a hand across his head. "Just... I just wanna be there for you. You ain't weak if you let someone comfort you, if you let someone in. If anything, it requires strenght."

Alex stared at the floor. She didn't respond as he took her hands. The desire to be held by him, flowed through her body, but she fought against it. If she gave in to her emotions... she was afraid that she would break, that it would take days before she had pulled herself together again.

"Please Alex," he said quietly. "I wanna be there for you. As your friend. As your... boyfriend." His thumbs stroked across hers. 

She looked up to him, hesitating. His fragile, loving voice just forced her to lift her head. Without knowing exactly why, a lump appeared in her throat. The almost pleading look in his eyes made her shiver. 

She didn't know if she could do it – if she wanted it. Really letting someone in, opening up to someone. She didn't want to confront anyone with her pain, hell, she didn't even want to confront herself with her pain. Except for their first real conversation, she had always been the one comforting him, keeping him on the right track. She had been his tower of strength, his guardian angel. It had given her a good feeling; doing something for someone else. But allowing someone to do the same for her...

Juice let go of one hand and placed it against her jaw. He bowed forward until their foreheads were leaning against each other. He didn't say another word, leaving it to her to take the next step. But she didn't dare to, she was too afraid of what would happen if she took the lid off the jar, letting the pain out. 

Very lightly she kissed his lips, then she turned away from him. "I'm not ready yet."

The disappointment in his eyes didn't go by unnoticed. She swallowed a sigh, took the glass from the counter top and slammed it. The alcohol burnt in her throat. She leaned on the counter and stared through the window. In the reflection of the glass she could see Juice leaning against the fridge, staring at her. Searching for words. But everything was already said. By him. By her.