waving through a window (anxiety + depression + anorexia + suicide attempt)

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i've learned to slam on the brake

"hyunjin! do you wanna hang out after school?" jeongin asked when i sat down at lunch. "ah, no, sorry. i have loads of homework to do." good job.

before i even turn the key

"why don't you wanna drive, hyunjin?" jeongin asked, "you were supposed to be my driver when i wanna go somewhere." he pouts. "sorry, innie. it's just not for me." you'll freak out and crash. you'll do so bad, he won't even wanna teach you.

before i make the mistake

"i-i don't know." i answer. the stupid teacher called on me again. doesn't he realize you don't know? but i do! no you don't. you don't know for sure.

before i lead with the worst of me

"jinnie-hyung!~" jeongin called out, he was standing next to someone i don't know. panic. run. he won't like you. "innie, i'm so sorry, but i'm in a rush. i'm late for an appointment so i have no time to talk." i shove my books into my bag and shove passed the kids in the hall. jeongin probably doesn't like you now.

give them no reason to stare

wear black, you'll fade into the background. i put in my black sweater and my black, ripped, skinny jeans. keep your head down. i don't make eye contact with anybody. walk fast and don't run into anyone. i make a swift turn into the class. sit in the back where they can't see you. i sit in the empty spot by the window in the back corner. good.

no slipping up if you slip away

don't say a word. they'll all judge you. look, they're all staring. i keep my head faced down, fixated on perfecting the shading on this characters face. don't make any noise, you idiot! that pencil is too loud. why'd you get a pencil case with a zipper? it's so loud! god, and a magnetic button clasp for your notebook?! that's loud, too, so don't you dare open it. i stop drawing. are they annoyed? maybe i should put this away. no! it'll be loud! they'll all look at you! just sit there. i sit quietly, nitpicking all the mistakes and smudges on my drawing.

so i got nothing to share

keep it to yourself. why would they wanna listen to you? you've embarrassed yourself enough. i keep my mouth shut and my eyes down. good boy.

no, i got nothing to say

WHAT DID I SAY? DID I TELL YOU YOU COULD TALK TO HIM? b-but, it's jeongin, he cares. FOOL! YOU THINK HE CARES? HE THINKS YOU'RE JUST USING HIM. don't you see? all you do is ask him for papers and ask him to put your papers in the box because you're too scared. you're such a pussy.

step out, step out of the sun, if you keep getting burned

just hurry up and get it over with. i try to get my words out as fast as i can, but it doesn't work. it comes out as a jumble of stutters. idiot. that's not what i meant. i take a deep breath and continue slower. stupid teacher. why'd she have to make you present alone? you know you'll fuck up. hell, you already did.

step out, step out of the sun, because you've learned, because you've learned

again?! what's with her? always making you do presentations. at least it's short. just go up there and explain it. sujin and hyein are laughing at you. they laughed at everyone else, so why not you, too? they're making fun of how you look from behind. you probably smell bad or you're probably walking weird or you have something on your back. did you not check the back of your jacket like i told you? idiot.

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