❛ 𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐥𝐚𝐧. 𝗇𝖼𝗍 𝖺𝖽𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋

➳ Behind the smile ➳

Warning: This chapter contains the mention of anxiety and a panic attack takes place. if this something that will upset you in any way then please, do not read. I do not want to cause anybody distress and I understand the effects of this topic. If you are in need to talk to somebody then my inbox is always open, trust me I know the impact.

A/N; I am writing this from my own experience as somebody with diagnosed anxiety. During this chapter, I was using this book as an outlet so this is based on what I am going through which is why i am writing this.

Thank you x 

- Blue x

- 

He felt like his entire world was collapsing before him. 

He was used to hiding his emotions, used to putting on a brave face, it was natural for him. He had done it since he was fourteen. Since that day when his entire life fell apart right before his eyes, he had dealt with so much shit over the years and managed to maintain the fear that constantly settled in the pit of his stomach and held a heavy weight over his heart. Taeyong had told him to talk when he needed, but every time he tried the words crawled back down his throat and sunk straight back into the sea of anxiety that filled up inside of him. 

So he didn't even bother trying to open up. 

He went on with his days as an SM idol. Most days, he felt like he couldn't breathe and the constant thoughts of all that had caused him pain ran through his brain like a stampede of elephants, sending his brain dizzy and head heavy. On others, he felt empty and emotionless. He often held a blank face and when he did smile it would usually be forced, but he had a great way of masking his true emotions. 

But then it all hit him at once and suddenly, he was laying on the practise room floor unable to control his breathing, a shaking, sweaty mess with tears streaking down his cheeks. The group surrounded him, they had only ever seen him have one panic attack in the past and that was terrifying for all of them. Johnny ushered the members out quickly, leaving, Taeyong, Ten, Jaehyun and Doyoung in the room. Chaehyun was pressed against the wall in hysterics, he couldn't calm down and though he was usually good at suppressing his panic, he had lost all control.

"I-I-" He tried to start but Doyoung shook his head, quieting the younger boy whilst Ten googled how to calm somebody down from a panic attack. Jaehyun was holding onto Chaehyun's hand allowing him to squeeze it whilst Taeyong wiped his tears away. They knew that there are different coping mechanisms for everyone and Chaehyun had explained that he had his own way of calming and that was having people around him just talking to him as if it was normal. 

"It's okay, Chae you're okay. You're in the practise room far away from harm," Doyoung told him softly and Chaehyun managed to nod slightly. Once the four began to notice the slight pattern to his breathing, indicating that he was slowly calming down and it was time for them to now get him to talk. "Chae, can you name four things that you can see?" 

Chaehyun glanced around, focusing his attention on the room. "M-mirror...p-phone...a-a jack-jacket and a chair." Doyoung smiled and nodded. 

"Well done. What's your favourite colour?" Jaehyun asked this time. 

"B-Blu-blue." 

Chaehyun was nowhere near in the state that he was before and was now a lot calmer, but the boys continued to ask questions until they were completely sure that he was at peace. Jaehyun never let go of his hand and now the only thing that was left was a crying Chaehyun. He fell into Doyoung's open arms and sobbed into his chest the same way he had with Taeyong just days prior. The members glanced at each other with looks of concern and uncertainty. There was definitely something more to Chaehyun's recent breakdowns. 

Doyoung sighed and ran his hands through the dark damp hair, the sobs quietened until the only thing heard was soft whimpers. It broke their hearts to see the supposed 'unbothered' Chaehyun so broken. Ten rubbed his back soothingly and suddenly, the whimpers came to a close and the boy's breaths became peaceful. Jaehyun leaned back to catch a peak of Chaehyun's eyes to find them fluttered closed, he had cried himself to sleep in the arms of his Hyung. 

Taeyong eyed the sleeping boy carefully. On most nights when he was sure Chaehyun was sleeping, he would quietly check up on the boy and he never looked at peaceful as he did right there. Something about the way he kept a tight hold on Doyoung told Taeyong that maybe he felt safer holding onto somebody. 

Maybe the cause of everything that he was going through was because he was afraid. It made sense. 

He was trying to act unbothered, but behind the mask...he was terrified and that left many unanswered questions. Maybe, the accident and the hints from the 'fan' scared him more than he's willing to let everyone believe...

- - - 

So, i have been dealing with some anxiety and I wanted to get it out and writing helps hence the chapter revolving around anxiety.

I hope you're having a good day, I might update later it all depends on how I am feeling. I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone reading and showing support, it never goes unnoticed. 

NOT PROOFREAD, THERE WILL BE MISTAKES. 

You are greatly appreciated. 

- Blue xx