Twenty two: I miss you

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jacob welcomed me into his home, setting me down on his couch as he got me a cup of hot chocolate.

he looked at me with concern, like he was scared what to say next.

"do you- do you um, wanna talk about it?" he says scratching his neck and bouncing his leg.

i look down and shake my head. "i can't, not right now."

"that's ok." he smiles softly. "is there anything i can do? i can order pizza. is vegetarian still your favourite?"

i nod my head and smile softly. "yes please."

"ok, i'll bring you some m and ms and some salt and vinegar chips in a bowl as well. i know that's your favourite combination." he chuckles softly, as if he's recalling the good times in our relationship.

when the pizza arrives jacob puts on a movie, tangled, it's my go-to movie for when i'm upset. he gives me a blanket and he sits on the opposite side of the couch.

it's just quiet for a while, just two exes watching a disney movie like the good old times. until i feel his eyes on me.

i turn my head and look at him, "what?" i say with an awkward laugh.

"i miss you millie."

i open my mouth in shock, as if to say something, but he interrupts before i can properly react. "and i know that you're probably doing better than you ever have without me. and i know that you probably don't want me back. but i miss you, like god i miss you so much. but i don't deserve to miss you, ya know? like fucking hell i was so terrible to you, i pressured you into doing things and i fucking cheated on you. and i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for cheating on you and ruining your friendship with sadie. and i'm so sorry that i pressured you into things. and i'm sorry for being so horrible.

"and i'm sorry that your first relationship wasn't a good one, but all i can do is hope that you've learnt that in future relationships you deserve better. and i hope finn treats you better than i ever did. and i'm happy that you're happier than ever because you deserve it. and i hope that in the future maybe we could be friends, because i do miss you and i probably will always love you. but i also understand that if after this you never want anything to do with me."

i look at him with awe, because i'd never expect jacob to ever say anything like that. i never expected him to apologise and i'd never expect him to actually miss me.

i had always seen the kindness that laid behind jacobs intimidating eyes. on the inside of the facade that he puts up to others, he's just a boy. i remember when his parents were getting a divorce and he found out he was adopted. i remember how he cried to me, begging me to never leave him.

ha, well look how that turned out.

i place my hand on his cheek and smile sadly at him and he rest his forehead against mine.

"a part of me will always love you jacob. as much as i want to deny it, i can't. you were my first everything and you taught me so so so much. and yes you treated me like fucking shit." i say laughing through my tears that run down my knows and hit my lips.

"but i'm happy that you've realised that. i know that deep inside, you are this amazing guy and you're gonna find this girl one day who's perfect for you. but i'm not her. i love finn, like god i love him and i've been a fucking idiot with what i've just done to him. but just know that i am so thankful for you and i no longer think about the shit things that happened in our relationship but i focus on the good. like all the times you painted my nails because i was too lazy, or all the times you surprised me by ubering me food, the times you'd go to the store and buy me tampons or pads because i had run out, even when we made one of your spare bathrooms mine because i pretty much lived at your house and all the times you didn't hang out with your friends because you just wanted to be with me. there's so many good things that happened in our relationship and you truly have helped me become the person i am today.

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