Ghosts ✔

002 • Kozik

The world only seemed to be made of shadows those days. Everywhere he went, depression surrounded him. He saw it in the eyes of the others; their helplessness swirled around him and it was taking its toll. 

Kozik jammed his fist against the door of Juice's house. 

No response. It was three days ago since Juice had shown his face at the clubhouse and Kozik wouldn't let the guy send him away. He knew his brother needed him. 

"Juice! Open up!"

He knocked once more, and when there was still no respons he walked around the house and climbed over the fence. His feet landed in a small patch of grass, the tiles that were creating a path were overgrown. Even though Juice was usually the type of guy keeping everything nice, he seemed to lack the energy for it now, making his garden look like a jungle. 

Kozik walked up the porch and tried the door. This one was open. 

He stepped inside and almost immediately was knocked off his feet because of the smell of pot. Coughing a few times, he looked around. There were leftovers at the table, on top of which flees were crawling. A shiver crept down his spine. If someone with OCD could live like this, he must really have lost it. After a few steps he saw a pair of bare feet behind a chair. Kozik walked towards them and saw the boy, sitting with his back against the wall. His hand clamped around a bottle that was almost empty and there was an ashtray next to him. In his lap was a collection of pictures where Juice was staring at with an empty look in his eyes

Kozik heaved a sigh as he saw his friend. As the tears jumped into his eyes, he pressed his lips together. The dead look in Juice's eyes sent shivers through his body. He crouched down in front of the boy, laying a hand on his knee. "Hey. Come on, let's go to the clubhouse."

First, Kozik thought his words didn't get through, then Juice just snorted. 

Kozik's glance moved to the pictures. The ones on top were taken in an amusement park. The sight of Dana's smiling face made his heart ache. The both of them were on the picture next to it, her arms around Juice's neck while they were sticking out their tongues. They looked so happy... He didn't even recognize Juice's wide grin anymore. 

"You developed those lately?" Kozik asked, still trying to get a conversation going. 

Shrugging, Juice picked up one of the pictures and held it in front of his face. His thumb stroked across Dana's cheek and a bit uncomfortable Kozik turned his face away. 

"I came across the disposable camera she had bought," Juice said after a while. "She wanted to take pictures of everything. As if she knew I would need them one day."

Juice leaned with the back of his head against the wall, looking up to Kozik. Tears were shining in his eyes. 

Kozik didn't know what to say. Dana had always believed that Maddox would find her some day, but there was no point in telling Juice that.

"I miss her..." The boy rubbed a hand over his unshaven cheek, closing his eyes as if he was pretending to feel her touch. Tears slipped between his eyelashes. "I miss her so much."

"I miss her too," Kozik admitted. "But she wouldn't want to see you like this." He aimed at the bottle. 

Juice's eyes flew open. "I neither want her to get raped, but I don't have influence on that either!" A grimace glided across his face and a dark glow crept into his eyes. "She should have let me go. She should have let me fucking die. She knew... she knew I couldn't do this."

"She loved you, Juice."

Juice jumped up, grabbing Kozik's throat. "Don't act like she's dead!" he snapped, slamming Kozik's head against the wall. 

Kozik was too stunned to respond in time, but when Juice wanted to beat him again, he managed to turn away. The back of his head was pounding and he felt nauseous. He gritted his teeth, cursing himself because he had been so stupid to say that. Pretending she was dead, had made things easier for him. Then he didn't feel so guilty, every time he watched tv, everytime he ate, everything he did anything but finding her because he didn't fucking know where to start looking. 

"Sorry," he said quickly, raising his lower arm to ward off the next blow. "Of course she isn't dead. She still loves you."

Juice breathed out heavily, but his grasp around Kozik's arm weakened. The glance in his eyes was however still cold. "What are you doin' here?"

To convince myself you're still alive. But given their current mood, he kept those words to himself. "Jax woke up from his coma," he said. He heard the news this morning, but as expected it didn't cheer up Juice. There was nothing that could bring even the slightest smile on his face. 

"Good," Juice answered grimly. "Get the fuck out now."

Kozik took a deep breath, looking for words. He didn't want Juice to drop down on the ground again, opening a new bottle and lighting the next joint. All this was all too familiar, he feared the next step that Juice would take if the pot was no longer enough to keep his mind silent. In the past he had seen enough friends who had been sitting there like Juice had done, but with a needle in their arm.

"We miss you, Juice," he said softly. "We are with so few... we need you."

"You need me for what?" he huffed. "You do shit to find her." Suddenly he clenched his fists again, his face turning red. "You caused all of this, asshole! You should have been honest with me, you should have told me that half of the club was dead while I was on a vacation!"

A blur of tears blinded him. Kozik knew he was right. But what could he do about it? He had made a mistake, a terrible mistake. 

His silence however had a bad effect on Juice; again he went for him and this time Kozik pushed him away more roughly. 

"I lost her because of you!" Juice yelled. At the same time he stumbled over his own feet and fell on the ground. He grabbed the almost empty bottle and threw it against the wall. Shards rained down on Kozik's shoulders and he had the feeling they cut deep into his flesh.

"I loved her too," he said, his voice unsteady. "Maybe not in the way you did, but I loved her too and I never wanted this to happen." He breathed in sharply as his own emotions were struggling to get out. 

Wildly, he turned around and strode away. Tears itched down his cheeks as he slammed the door behind him. 

He was messed up too, he didn't know what he could do anymore. It felt like he was trying to prevent a dam from breaking with nothing but tape available.