Knowing Xavier Hunt ✓

Twenty Four - Final Resting Place

My gaze finally travels to Haley's face and I see her watching me uncertainly.

"Come, Xavier," she repeats.

Not doubting their intentions and being grateful for their kindness is one thing, and everything they have done for me is something I can never repay. Regardless of that, I have my reservations. How much more will I let them do for me? How many times will I take their help?

"I'd ... like to stay here a while," I finally say, making up my mind at the spur of the moment.

"What?" Haley is quick to react. "Why here, Xavier --"

"Haley," her father warns her softly.

Her panicked gaze flickers to her father before returning to me. "I can stay with you." 

She doesn't tell me what she doesn't want me to do, but I have an idea it has something to do with the hunch that she has about me. She knows I'm trying to distance myself from her and she doesn't want that.

"I need to clear my head," I tell her, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. "Alone."

The last thing I want is for Haley to be insecure about me. This isn't about her. It's about me. I need some time to myself. To think about everything that has happened and everything that is likely to happen now. I need to gather my thoughts and pull myself together rather than rely on someone else to put my broken pieces together and make me whole. I refuse to let anyone else be my savior.

I will be my own savior.

"But --" she begins.

"Take your time, Xavier," her father intervenes. "You need it." 

He gives me an encouraging smile, crows'-feet forming at the corners of his eyes. I feel that, right now, he understands me more than Haley does. After all, I have just lost the most important thing in my life, and he knows exactly how that feels.

"Xavier ..." Haley breathes, looking helpless and torn between her desire to be beside me and what both her father and I are insisting on. She looks just like a little girl right now, one who doesn't know which toy she likes more and wants both.

I can't help but smile slightly at the thought.

"The doors of our house are always open for you, Xavier," her father adds. "It will always be your home too."

The words make my heart swell but it is too cracked to feel much at this point. My gaze meets Haley's and I give her hand a gentle squeeze.

'I'll be back,' I hope to convey through the gesture.

Haley inhales deeply, her shoulders stiffening and then slumping. She nods, and I realize she heard my unspoken thoughts.

"I'll be waiting," she says in a low voice.

Her fingers slip through mine, and a part of me wants to pull them back. I don't want to part just yet, but the fact remains; I want us to be on even terms, not wanting these power-dynamics that have become inevitable between us. I don't want that relationship where one person is always picking up after the other. Haley doesn't deserve that.

So even when she continues to glance over her shoulder as her father steers her away from me, my hand itches to reach out and touch her. A scream threatens to rip through my chest and out my throat, begging Haley not to leave me.

'I need you,' I want to say.

'I don't want to need you. I want to want you instead,' I answer my own thoughts, plucking up my courage and turning my back towards Haley and her father.