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4/10: Ravien

Ravien by @Svoosh

After the elf fell we rushed into the forest, green armor jangling. She was the first elf any Sriat had seen since... well, since Fia'lon. That catastrophe is branded into every Sriat's mind, young and old, as the day the elves came for the world. Our elders would always scare us with stories of towering elves wielding deadly bows and crackling magic, felling hundreds of us at a time.We escaped extinction by a hairsbreadth. The elves terrifying magic had mysteriously failed and we Sriat took the opportunity to kill every elf we could get our hands on. At least, that's what the elders told us...The others had thought it a fitting punishment for me. As the one who'd let her escape she's now my load to carry. Resentful and enraged I'd roughly thrown her still bleeding body onto my saddle, careful not to stain my own belongings.But now...I watch transfixed as the crackling purple energy works its way around the gaping wound in her leg, slowly knitting lean muscle fibers together and closing her silvery skin around the hole. My gaze then shifts to her face, covered in a poor attempt at camouflage. It does little to hide her strong brow, her angled cheekbones, and the slight pink of her lips. With her snow-white hair hanging long and tangled from the side of my horse, she looks more like a feral wolf than an elf.'Where did this creature come from and why did she think we would welcome her? Doesn't she know what the elves have done?'

COVER: I think the cover is cute, but very simple. With a plot as complex as this one, I think you could get a much better suiting cover in a cover shop or in the community threads. It doesn't suit the story as well as it definitely could and definitely does not match the quality of your writing. People say don't judge a book by its cover, but I can't help but do that. At a glance, if I see a pretty cover and no grammar errors in the bio, I am 200x more likely to read the book - especially a book posted on wattpad.

GRAMMAR: In Chapter One, one sentence goes like this: "Our mother tree made a cage, we're the perfect prey for the priest slowly and excruciatingly carving glowing words into the skin." I'm not sure exactly what that says, the "we're" throws me a little off. I also notice that you're missing a few commas in sentences that should have them, and you have commas in places that seem to be unfit for them. That's nothing an editor can't fix, though. It always helps to have a second set of eyes look over your work for errors like these.

CONTENT: Wow, where to start.

The prologue was intense, really throwing us into the moment already. I'm a little confused as to what's happening. The main character (which I assume is female) is kidnapped, bound, and then carved into by a priest until she passes out. It was a little hard to read in regards to the flow of the words, for example the redundant sound of the "suddenly" in the first paragraph. Otherwise, I see no huge errors that stand out to me.

As I read Chapter One, I notice that your style of writing for this book seems to be like you're allowing the reader a glimpse into the world, not telling them what exactly is happening. I understand that style, I do that as well, however for a fantastical book such as this with elves and magic trees and such, I feel like I need to know a little bit more. The prologue is where the glimpse is meant to be, I think. It's meant to pull me in and catch my interest - which it did. The first chapter, however... I don't know.

I spoke too soon. It seems the first chapter is an explanation of what happened in the prologue. So the prologue is the first installment? I'm a little confused about what's going on right now, but it almost seems like we're getting dumped into the action already. I have really mixed feelings about that. It's interesting, don't get me wrong, and it makes me think, but I'm not sure if I would continue reading this just because I have no clue what's actually happening, I just know she's become of age, apparently, and is running away.

Chapter Two. There are so many breaks that I don't know what's going on. Are we switching perspectives already? I'm just so in the dark and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm watching the story from a peephole.

Chapter Three sends us back to the MC's perspective but doesn't tell us. That's also confusing considering the switch in perspectives at the end of the last chapter. I also notice a little bit more dialogue. I like that, but...the way the characters speak doesn't feel natural. It's not as smooth as it could be, especially when Kasrit speaks. It also doesn't make much sense. If the elves had done such things to them, why is being kind? Why is he worried? And also, why did he give her his name? The fact that he tied her up in rope and is escorting her himself seems to be a little irresponsible -- a trait that one wouldn't really give a prestied guard -- considering the Sriats could have no way of knowing she's alone and harmless. Doesn't really make sense that they would send this guy to take her somewhere all by himself. If they're supposed to meet, I think this scene could be fully rewritten and come out longer and even better.

"Practiced efficiency" and then she laughs at them trying to set up a fire? How could they be sent out as rangers, no matter how new, and be trained enough to make a camp but not set a fire? The fact that they're trying to do this with damp branches makes them sound like idiots, and the fact that they're new rangers completely backs up my point about them sending Kasrit alone with the girl. Also, she's let go and doesn't run? I understand that at first she wanted to join them but they clearly showed her that they're not friendly, so I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to get out of that situation especially considering that she knows the Sriats hate the elves with an unfathomable intensity.

And NOW the rangers are admiring her? I don't understand and I wish that I did. They literally talk smack to her and tell her why they hate the elves so much and say that "you elves are all the same," yet even after she's lit the fire, they haven't tied her back up and seem to trust her. She has magic, and she has two functioning legs, and she's an elf. They have knives, maybe weapons, and very little common sense considering they can't light a fire and/or weren't prepared with kindle to light the fire with and get it started.

Chapter Four. If they're not sure that she's a spy yet, why is he telling her where he's taking her? The king then proceeds to say her name twice, almost back to back. Also, he gives her a room in his "stronghold" and allows himself to be alone with her. You ask what it'll take for her to win the king's trust but for someone who doesn't trust her, he's putting himself in a very allowing and possibly careless predicament.

NOTES: N/A

OVERALL OPINION: I understand it's a fantasy novel, but I'm still struggling to grasp the unrealistic behaviors of the characters. It wasn't terrible, the grammar was fine except for some errors in sentence structure and typos, and the plot seems to be going somewhere with potential, but I really think you should go back and rewrite at least the third and fourth chapters - and the end of chapter two. If it gets edited and rewritten, I am definitely interested in reading more, but if not...well I'll be adding it to my reading list, so maybe if I'm curious I'll continue. As of now, though, I don't think I will read any further. Again: so much potential, very cool story idea, but the execution of it could use work.

RATING: 4/10

Thank you for being my first review! I hope this wasn't too harsh, and I made sure to vote on every chapter that I reviewed. I liked it and I am interested in the story, so don't be surprised if you see me vote it again in the future. Thanks again!