thirty four

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i woke up in david's bed and he was still sleeping. i turned around and touched his face, carefully, with my fingertips like he was fragile, just watching him sleeping in a peaceful way. i got up, trying to not wake him up, and went to the bathroom to do my morning routine. i brushed my teeth, washed my face and put my hair in a messy bun. i stayed in david's shirt and carefully, opened the door from his room that led to the backyard.

i leaned myself on the edge, looking at the city in the morning right in front of me, and sighed. it was good being here, just watching the city, knowing that david's sleeping in the bedroom behind me after we stayed up for hours talking because i tried to help him edit his video, which it went terribly.

i barely slept this night. with my insomnia, i stayed up a couple more hours than him, just thinking about how lucky i am. i know that we aren't dating, but it's really good to just know that i have him. he's always there for me, to hug me when i'm down and to make me laugh my ass off with little things. and with all of that, i fell for him. i fell for a boy that is not sure about how he feels towards me, but i don't think about that constantly, because i know i'll be really insecure and i'll not enjoy what we have. it was practically nothing, but we still have something going on, i need to hang on that.

however, we are taking things so slowly that i don't think we are going to date. if he really wanted to have a girlfriend again, he would've asked me already. and i can't see my future with him, i can't see myself being in a happy relationship with david in a couple of years. and it sucks, because i love him, but everything is so uncertain.

i gasped in shock when i felt someone hugging me from behind. i turned my face to see david, hiding his head in the crook of my neck, with his hair tickling my skin. "good morning" i whispered.

"how long have you been up?" he asked with his raspy voice.

"less than an hour" i turned on my heels to be face to face with him. david looked at me and smiled. i cupped his face, rubbing his cheek with my thumb. david is the prettiest person that i've ever seen, i could spend a whole day just looking at him or just listening to him because he is beautiful inside too. and i love him for that and so much more. it's horrible to have the feeling that we're not going anywhere with this since we're so good together and he makes me so happy, i don't think i will ever find someone so perfect as him.

"what's going on inside your head?" he snapped me out of my thoughts. "you're not here"

"it's nothing" i shook my head. "i'm just a little tired" i lied.

"are you sure? you know you can always talk to me" he squeezed my waist and i took a deep breath.

"i don't think it's time for us to talk about this" i looked away, avoiding his eyes.

"don't say that" david put his hand on top of mine. "come here" he leads me to the couches near the doors from his room. we sat down and turned to the side to look at each other. i pushed my legs closer to my chest and hugged them. "talk to me" he sat closer, putting my feet in between his legs and resting his hand on my exposed thigh under my arms.

"i don't wanna talk dave" i shook my head. i'm scared. i can't talk about my feelings because i'm scared that he doesn't feel the same.

"okay then tell me what is it about" he insisted.

"it's about my feelings" i shrugged. "i hate talking about them, i look stupid when i do, like, i feel so vulnerable"

"i understand that" he nodded and went quiet for a few minutes. i tried to clear my mind and not look so out of space, to avoid his questions about what is going on with me. but i don't think david is going to drop that so easily, hearing the next question that came out of his mouth. "can i ask you something?" he was so serious that i felt nervous.

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