Chapter 31.

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"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

***

The pain in my chest is unbearable, and even though my vision is blurring from the tears in my eyes the look on Harry's face is only making it worse.

Everything in me wants to go to him and comfort him and wipe that lost look in his eyes away, but I can't even bring myself to.

There's betrayal, fear and confusion coursing through me too powerfully to move, and all that keeps going through my mind is that I don't even know who he is, and if he could do something like that to a person - what could he do to me?

I need to sit down, there's way too much information way too quickly and I can't pick which thought to try and process first.

Andy is in hospital.

Harry put him in hospital

Andy needs surgery to repair bones in his face

Harry did that to him

Harry lied to me

Andy's parents think he's been doing drugs in secret

Harry did that too

Harry knows David somehow

What else is he keeping from me?

I keep backing away until I reach the couch and turn to sit down, burying my face in my hands as I try and make sense of all of it, Harry just stays silent watching me.

I don't even know what I feel about what Harry has done, I'm not angry at him, but I don't know how to describe it and the empathetic part of me understands that he felt the need to do something, and he had warned me several times that he would if Andy ever hurt me.

But I never in a million years thought that was what he meant, and now all of his threats where he said he would kill him that I thought were dramatic or an exaggeration don't seem that far fetched any more.

It's the lies and the brutality of it, and his total lack of emotion about it that's disturbed me so much, I'm someone that feels guilty if I accidently step on a bug so I just don't understand any of this.

Do I really have such strong feelings for someone that can be so horrible?

Could the person I've fallen for be a man to me and a monster to everyone else?

I feel Harry's presence in front of me, and I don't dare look when I sense that he's crouched down in front of me.

I hate that he's seen me cry so many times, but I couldn't stop these tears even if I wanted to, I'm far too overwhelmed.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was, I want all of this to go away and be back on the couch with him not paying attention to a movie and not having any of this shit be real.

"Abby...can you please look at me.."

The anguish in his voice is the only thing that gives me the nerve to pull my hands away, I'm such a stupid person, no matter how hurt I am, I just can't bear seeing or hearing someone else upset - even if they're the one that hurt me.

When I see his face, I just can't picture him doing what he did to Andy, I can't imagine it, I don't want to.

I don't even know if it's him that I'm scared of, I think I'm scared of what I don't know, that all of this has been a lie and the person that means so much to me is a stranger.

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