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It's been two weeks since the night Finn planted the idea in my head that Harry might have feelings for me, and I've been trying to ignore it ever since.

It's not something I would know how to deal with, aside from the fact I find it so hard a believe.

I'm me, I'm nothing special and in no way good enough for someone like him, not to mention I'm almost ten years older than him.

I see the gorgeous young girls that fawn over him at the bar, all doe eyed and borderline hyperventilating - I'm nothing like them, I have no idea what he would see in me beyond a friend.

I'm quirky and barely have a filter for my mouth, I don't know how to be sexy or elegant just sarcastic and unladylike.

I've never been insecure about who I am or those things about myself, I've never really compared myself to other women, I've been fine with who I am - but when it comes to Harry all I can do is point out why I fall so short for him.

Well, Dylan is the only other person that can make me feel insecure but in a very different way, she makes me feel like I'm not good enough because that's how she treats me, she's even said it before - the insecurity I feel with Harry is that he thinks I'm more wonderful than I actually am.

The idea that he cares about me in that way has had me losing sleep, and I've done everything I can to push it to the back of my mind and dismiss it, I'm terrified of it being true, terrified it would hurt our friendship.

I could never give him what he deserves, my sexuality is a glaring reminder of that. It's also the other thing that's been keeping me up at night, that's had me confused and sick on the stomach - part of me wondering if I feel that way about him too.

It just can't be true, that's not who I am, I could never feel that way towards a man. I fought so hard for who I am, there's no possibility that could change.

But the small fleeting spark of giddiness at the thought of him having feelings for me was quickly washed away by dread over what that means.

I can't lose him, I can't picture my life without him in it, and something like this could cause that - so I'm doing what I do best, ignoring it.

If I don't think about it, it doesn't exist.

I could never live with myself if I hurt him, he means far to much to me, so I'm just keeping things exactly how they are - even through the lectures of Finn telling me I'm an ignorant moron.

Finn can't be right, he just can't be.

Today I'm coping with it the best way I know how in my day off where I don't have work to distract me - I'm eating my feelings.

Dylan's gone back to L.A. until after New Years, only becoming irritated with me when I got upset I wouldn't even see her for Christmas and reminding me how important this job is to her and I should be supporting her not guilting her.

The smallest part of me, for the first time secretly wished she wasn't going to come back. In eight years I've never entertained the idea of not being with her, regardless of everything she's done, but this time around I'm just finding less and less reasons for why I stay with her or what I even love about her.

God I am going to eat my body weight in sugar over this.

Nothing makes sense any more.

I decided to make scones this afternoon, in no way ashamed that I plan on eating the entire baking pan of them with copious amounts of jam and cream once they're done.

I plan on being in a food coma, too high on calories to be able to think about this shit any more.

I hum along to the music I'm listening to in the kitchen, folding the ingredients together in a bowl as Harry watches me from the couch, only looking away to write in that beat up note book of his.

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